


A Song Of Forgetting

by purplesummer91



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Community: deancasbigbang, DCBB, DCBB14, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2014, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 20:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2634458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplesummer91/pseuds/purplesummer91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Next To Normal AU. Castiel is living a regular, happy life with his cousin Gabriel, his best friend Sam, and Balthazar, the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. When Sam's brother Dean moves in town and comes to live with them, it really seems their little family is complete. But that perfect world falls to pieces when Castiel is forced to deal with loss, heartbreak, and the terrible truth of what happened in his past - a past that left him scarred and broken. Will the love and care of his family be enough to heal him? Can anything ever truly be enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Another Day

**Author's Note:**

> Really excited to be posting this fanfic, finally! :) I've worked on this a lot, and it's a story I deeply care about, so I hope you guys enjoy it!! ^^ 
> 
> The biggest thanks to my artist sweetonmeclarence, and to the lovely lookatthesefreakinghipsters for her support & fantastic editing job. I could've never done this without you guys, and I'm so grateful and I appreciate it so much.
> 
> To my sister, who loves Next To Normal almost as much as I do, and is the biggest Sabriel fan I know. Love you sis <3
> 
> Link to the art: sweetonmeclarence.tumblr.com/post/102912676488/
> 
> Downloadable pfd (gorgeous art included!): www.sendspace.com/file/p5qscw

**1\. Just Another Day**

__**I will keep the plates all spinning  
With a smile so white and winning all the way  
'Cause what doesn't kill me doesn't kill me  
So fill me up for just another day.**

“Do you see him yet?” Castiel asked, tiptoeing while he looked around through the huge crowd of people walking towards them, hugging family and friends, assuring them that yes, the journey had been good and no, they weren't too tired. Sam had dragged him and Gabriel to the airport to pick up his brother, who was coming to live with them until he found a place on his own.

Dean – that was his name, Castiel remembered - had gotten a good job offer in town, and it had only felt natural to offer him a place to stay. They had a guest room no one was ever using anyway, and it would cheaper for Dean to just stay there for a while and split the rent with them. Honestly, it was going to be cheaper for everyone, and if Dean was going to decide to stay with them permanently... well, Castiel wasn't going to complain. The house was big enough, after all, and cheaper rent was like a blessing from Heaven.

He really hoped he would end up getting along with Dean – Sam talked about his brother all the time, and while they had never really had the chance to meet before, Castiel felt as if he kind of knew him a little, already. And he was _Sam's brother_. They _had_ to get along. Sam had been his very best friend in the world for five years now, ever since they had shared a small apartment in college. He had been the one who had introduced his cousin Gabriel to Sam – and now? Together for three years. Sam was practically family, and it would just feel weird, not getting along with his brother.

“Hey – there! _Dean_!” Gabriel called, a big grin as he waved his hand. He had met Dean in the past – something about Dean needing to give his blessing if Sam and Gabriel were going to date.

Castiel turned his head, following Gabriel's gaze, and his eyes fell on a handsome man he recognized from the pictures Sam had shown him. He was even better looking, though, in person, so much so that Castiel felt his jaw dropping a little. Had he not been taken, and happily so, he would've been all over Dean in half a second. _Wow_.

Gabriel snickered and elbowed him.

“Might wanna pick up your jaw from the floor, kiddo. Wouldn't wanna give the wrong impression.”

Castiel glared at him, but didn't say anything, because honestly... Gabriel had a point. Not that he was going to let him know _that_. He turned towards Sam's brother instead, who in the meantime had made his way towards them, a big smile on his lips, his green eyes bright.

“Hey guys – sorry it took so long. My suitcase was literally the last one to come out, because this is just my life, I guess,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Sammy! C'mere, give me a hug. Gabe – treating my brother well I hope yeah?” He turned to Castiel, then, scanning him curiously. “And you must be the famous Castiel,” he said, smiling again as he held out a hand towards Castiel. “Dude, it's great to finally meet you.”

“Likewise,” Castiel said with a small chuckle, shaking Dean's hand. “Sam told me so much about you, it's as if I know you already.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Dean said, snorting a little. “Kid won't shut up about you. But it's good that he's got such an awesome friend. So I'm happy to let him talk. But he never mentioned you were such a cutie,” he added with a wink.

Castiel turned bright red at that, and before he was able to come up with a fitting reply, Gabriel laughed and patted his back.

“Alright – why don't we just go get the car, and you two can go on flirting there?” he suggested, smirking as he took Dean's suitcase, leaving Sam to man the smaller bag. “But banging on the backseat is a no-no. Especially while Sam and I are in the car with you.”

“Gabriel!” Castiel protested, frowning at him.

“What? He thinks you're cute, and you think he's cute. Go ahead and make cute babies.”

“Gabe, stop being ridiculous,” Castiel hissed, giving Dean a very embarrassed half-smile. “I'm very sorry. Gabe's a little...”

“Yeah, I know. Don't sweat it,” Dean said, laughing and patting Castiel's back while they started to walk towards the car. “Gabe tends to forget we don't all open our legs for every cute guy like he does.”

“Ooooh – you're the one to talk now, Winchester,” Gabriel said, a small smirk on his face. “Should I remind you who's the one in a loving, committed relationship right now?”

Dean rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Still having a hard time getting why my brother likes you.”

“Because he's short and funny,” Sam piped in, leaning down to kiss Gabriel's lips.

“Ugh – not in front of me, dude...” Dean protested, just as Gabriel pouted.

“I'm not _that_ short and I'm also hot as hell, let's not forget that...”

Castiel smiled, getting in the backseat with Dean as Dean kept bickering with Gabe. He seemed like a very nice guy, and Castiel was pretty sure he'd fit right into their little family. Sam and Gabriel got in the car, too, and soon they were on the road on the way home.

Most of the drive was spent with Dean updating Sam on some friends and family back home, and it was only a while later that he spoke directly to Castiel again.

“So, Cas,” he said, shifting on his seat to face Castiel. “Sam tells me you're a writer, right?”

“Yeah. I mean, still unpublished, but... yeah,” Castiel said, nodding. “There's been... a few bumps down the road. But hopefully that will change, sooner or later..”

“In the meantime, he's a good housewife to us all,” Gabriel teased and Castiel sighed.

“You have no idea how many times he's said that, already,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I swear, if your jokes were at _least_ original...”

“Yeah, but then I'd be too funny and the world would collapse on itself,” Gabriel said, nodding gravely.

“You're ridiculous.”

“I'm the king of laughter.”

“And so humble, too,” Sam said with a snort as he pulled up in the driveway. “Come on, king of laughter – help me with Dean's bags.”

“Dude, I can carry my own bags.”

“Hush. You're our guest,” Sam said, giving him a look.

Dean sighed and shook his head.

“Well, thanks, then Sammy,” he said, getting out of the car with a smile. “Hey – you guys got a really awesome house. Wow. And the garage is so big... it's great. Baby would fit in beautifully with your car.”

“Baby?” Castiel asked, confused.

“Yeah – that's Dean's car,” Sam said, rolling his eyes. “The woman of his life.”

“What can I say? Baby's amazing. Miss her already,” Dean said mournfully, letting out a small sigh. “Wanted to take her with me, but the engine had a problem – nothing I couldn't fix myself, of course, but it'd take time, you know? And either I start the new job on Monday, or I was gonna lose my chance. Sucks.”

“Dean, you can deal without Baby for a couple of weeks,” Sam said, rolling his eye again.

“That's what you say, but I disagree. She's everything,” Dean protested, pouting while they made their way towards the house.

Castiel laughed a little.

“Well, I, for one, think it's very sweet you're so close to your... Baby. I mean, weird. But sweet.”

Dean grinned at that.

“Awesome! See, Sammy? Cas understands me.”

“With the way Cas has been looking at your ass, I'd be surprised if he didn't,” Gabriel piped in with a smirk.

“ _Gabriel!”_ Castiel snapped, giving Gabriel a homicidal look.

“Ooops. Angered the little brother, didn't I?” Gabriel said, chuckling a little.

“You're the worst,” Sam sighed, shaking his head. “Don't listen to him, Cas. Why don't you just go fix up something for dinner while we take Dean's bag upstairs and show him around?”

Castiel sighed, giving Gabriel another dirty look, but nodded, walking towards the kitchen while Sam and Gabriel dealt with Dean.

He was gonna make something simple, he decided once he got to the kitchen, maybe burgers. Yeah, and some fries. Nothing fancy. Dean didn't seem to be the type who'd want anything fancy anyway.

Humming a tune under his breath, he started to gather all the ingredients he'd need. He was just cutting and peeling a potato, when strong arms sneaked around his waist and held him close, and he felt his lips curling into a smile as he leaned back into the man behind him, his eyes falling close. “Hey.”

“Hey Cassy,” a warm, soft voice greeted back, breath tickling his ear softly. “Had a nice day?”

“Mmm-mm. Missed you, though,” Castiel said, quickly wiping his hands before he turned around, Balthazar's sweet blue eyes meeting his own. “You? Had a good day?”

Balthazar shrugged, leaning in to peck Castiel's lips.

“You know. Same old. Work and stuff,” he whispered, kissing Castiel again. “Can't wait to be alone with my lovely boyfriend for a while. Why don't we just... have dinner in our room? Spend some quality time together?”

Castiel smiled, returning Balthazar's kiss with a small peck of his own.

“Although it's very tempting... not tonight,” he whispered, making Balthazar frown.

“Why not?” he asked, giving Castiel a small pout and making him laugh.

“Because tonight's the first night Dean is here, remember?”

“Oh. Right. Sam's brother,” Balthazar said, nodding a little.

“Exactly. And we need to be nice and make sure he feels welcome here.”

“I caught a glimpse of him when I walked in. He was going upstairs with Gabe and Sam. He's... very handsome,” Balthazar said quietly, kissing Castiel's pulse point with a small smile. “Should I be jealous?”

“What? You're crazy,” Castiel said, laughing and kissing Balthazar's cheek. “You're the handsomest guy in the world for me.”

Balthazar smirked to himself.

“Even more handsome than Tony Stark?”

“Even more handsome than him, you dork,” Castiel assured him, shaking his head fondly and pecking his lips before he turned around in Balthazar's arms again. “Come on. Help me out here. These potatoes aren't gonna get themselves ready on their own.”

Castiel felt the press of Balthazar's smile to the back of his neck, and then they both simply started to peel and cut potatoes, falling into a comfortable silence.

Castiel loved it, that he and Balth were so comfortable around each other. It hadn't always been hearts and roses and rainbows between them – but then again, what couple could say it had? They had their highs and lows, just like every other couple, but Castiel wouldn't trade what they had for the world. He would give up on one thousand perfect lives for just another day with Balthazar.

 

 


	2. My Psychopharmacologist And I

**2\. My Psychopharmacologist and I**

**Who's crazy?  
The one who's uncured  
Or maybe the one who's endured?  
The one who has treatment  
** **Or the one who just deals with the pain?**

The dinner went even better than Castiel had hoped it would. Dean was kind, very funny and seemingly had a very big heart. And God, he was charming. So, so charming. Sam had told him a bit about Dean's various conquests through the years, and... well. Now that he had met him, he could see what that endless string of girls and guys had seen in him.

So yeah, the dinner with him had been great. It was just a shame Balthazar had been called in by his boss and had had to miss it. Castiel was pretty sure he would have liked Dean, too, if he just managed to get to know him, but... well, he supposed there would be time for that – they _were_ going to live together for a while, after all. At least he had managed to come back before Castiel had fallen asleep, and the sorry-I-missed-dinner sex had been just amazing. Sex with Balthazar always was – one of the many reasons why Cas was so happy to be with him.

Right now, Castiel was in the kitchen, making pancakes, and he could feel Balthazar's eyes on him as he flipped a pancake.

“What?” he asked, smiling a little to himself.

Balthazar shrugged.

“You're just very cute.”

“You're just a dork.”

“Look who's talking,” Balthazar retorted with a smile, standing and pressing a kiss to the nape of Castiel's neck. “Mmm... remind me again why I have to leave.”

“Because even though your boss is a complete assbutt...”

“ _Assbutt_.”

“Shut up. So, even though he's a complete assbutt, your job is a good job, and you love it. And it pays the bills,” Castiel said, leaning into Balthazar. “And we need to save up for our future together, remember?”

Balthazar let out a small huff but kissed Castiel's cheek.

“Fair enough,” he conceded, nodded. “I'll see you tonight, okay, darling?”

“As usual. Have a good day Balth, okay?” Castiel said, and Balthazar pecked his lips.

“Sure. And you, too, Cassy,” he said, smiling before he left.

It wasn't a whole minute after he had left when Dean walked in, and Castiel looked up, giving him a smile.

“Good morning Dean! You had a good night?”

“Yeah. Very, thanks,” Dean said, yawning a little as he sat at the table. “The mattress is perfect. And the water pressure in the shower? _Man_.”

“I _know_ ,” Castiel said, nodding enthusiastically. “Everyone in here thinks I'm crazy for being such a fan of the water pressure, but you know what? I don't care. It's perfect, it's their own problem if they can't see it.”

“That's the spirit!” Dean said, laughing a little while Castiel laughed along with him. Dean sniffed the air, then, and peeked at what Castiel was doing. “Hey! Are those pancakes?”

“Yeah – you want some, too?” Castiel asked. “There's plenty of mix, anyway.”

“Aww, man. Burgers last night, pancakes this morning. Tell me you make a mean pie, too, and I might just marry you,” Dean said, chuckling. “Yeah, thanks. If you don't mind, that'd be awesome.”

“Not a problem – I was actually thinking of making breakfast for everyone. Maybe other than pancakes I could make eggs, or bacon, or both. Hell, I think I could even make that pie we were talking about right now!” He laughed. “I don't know. I feel pretty energetic this morning, you know?”

“I can see that,” Dean said, raising an eyebrow. “But I think pancakes will be enough. We don't want to just end up wasting all that food.”

“Right. That's true,” Castiel conceded, nodding a little. “So. What are you going to do today? You don't start working until Monday right?”

“Yeah. I dunno, I'm probably gonna go take a look around. I mean, if I'm gonna live in this place for a while, I might as well go see if there's awesome places around, you know? Just... bars, or bookshops, or record shops, or whatever, you know?”

“That actually sounds like a great plan,” Castiel agreed. “And hey, if you need a guide, I'd be more than happy to show you around myself.”

“Really?” Dean asked with a grin. “Dude, thanks. That's really nice of you.”

“What's really nice? Ooooh, did he offer to give you a blowjob or something?” Gabriel asked, walking in with only his boxers on.

Sam, who was right behind him, let out a small sigh.

“Why am I still with you?” he mumbled, running his hand on his face.

“Because I'm cute, funny, and no one can ride you like I can.”

“And that is more than I ever wanted to find out about my little brother's sex life,” Dean said with a small shudder. “Cas offered to show me around today. So that's why I was saying he's nice, no blowjobs involved, regrettably,” he joked, winking at Castiel, who blushed just slightly and chuckled. “But I mean, this, the pancakes...”

“Okay, first of all, pancakes are _my_ thing – how dare you steal my pan and my spatula?” Gabriel said, and Sam groaned.

“Gaaaaabe.”

“And second of all,” Gabriel went on. “Nope, kiddo. Not showing your new friend around this morning.”

Castiel scowled.

“Gabe, whatever stupid joke you're going to make about me giving him blowjobs, I-”

“No wait – Gabe's right, Cas,” Sam said quietly. “It's Friday, remember?”

“...oh. Right,” Castiel said, sighing a little. “Forgot.”

Dean looked between the three of them, looking slightly confused.

“I... think I'm missing something here?”

“Oh – sure. Dean, you couldn't know, of course,” Sam said, glancing at Castiel, who just nodded, signaling it was okay for Sam to tell Dean. “Cas is seeing his psychiatrist on Friday mornings.”

“...oh,” Dean said, blinking a couple of times.

Castiel chuckled.

“You look surprised. But you're taking it way better than most people,” he said, shaking his head as he split the pancakes he had made into four small piles. “At least you're not slowly inching away as if I was gonna hulk out and murder you any second.”

“Well, I _am_ surprised, I gotta admit,” Dean said, hesitating a little before he added, “You mind if I ask... you know...?”

“Why I need a psychiatrist at all?” Castiel finished for him. “This is... one of the bumps down the road I told you about, basically. Bipolar II disorder with psychotic features. Which basically means I'm bipolar and also have a few delusional episodes sometimes. You know. Hallucinations. So I need pills to make sure everything is under control. But I'm fine.”

Gabriel and Sam exchanged a look, and Castiel rolled his eyes at them and set the plates down on the table.

“I _am,_ ” he said, looking at them. “You worry too much. Chocolate or maple syrup?”

Castiel appreciated that Sam and Gabe worried about him, really, but there was no need. He was _fine_. It had been hard at first, of course, and there was no denying that. Gabriel had even moved in to help Sam take care of him – which ultimately turned out to be a good thing, considering that was the reason why Sam and Gabe had met and gotten together. It had definitely been hard, and Castiel knew that. But he just wished they could see – he was okay now. Even the doctor agreed with that.

Castiel sighed.

_Dr. Allen._

She was a nice woman, no doubt, and he liked that she truly listened to him, and he _definitely_ liked that she seemed to have found meds that kept his disorder under control, but... well, he couldn't say he particularly liked her as a therapist. Which was ridiculous, and he knew, because she was very good and all, but... he guessed there wasn't much chemistry between them, that was all. He had much preferred the one he had had before her, but she had had to move somewhere else, and couldn't take care of Castiel's case anymore. It had been a shame, really.

When breakfast was over – Dean complimented him on his pancakes, which he was very happy about – Castiel went upstairs, took all the pills he needed to take, and got ready to get out. He wished he at least got to drive himself to the doctor's. But no – no, of course. Because Gabriel apparently needed to pick that specific time to do some brotherly bonding with him. It was stupid, if you asked Cas, but... it was important to Gabe. So Cas was going to just go with it. At least he'd get to show Dean around a little in the afternoon, and the thought made him smile. Dean was really nice, and fun – but in a much less obnoxious way than Gabe was, which was a relief. He loved Gabe, but he could never keep up with two Gabes. Could never deal with two Gabes living with him. He'd go crazy. Well... crazier.

He smiled to himself. Gabe, and especially Sam, always seemed a little hesitant when it came to joking about the topic of Castiel's mental illness. But Cas didn't really mind at all – they were all harmless jokes, and it was a good way to avoid making it into a bigger deal than it was. Besides, it just so happened to also be a great way to actually talk about it instead of making it into some kind of taboo, which was the last thing Castiel wanted. His illness was part of him, and whoever wanted to be part of his life should have no problem talking about it openly. Because it was a whole package, with him. It was always going to be a part of him.

“Kiddo, I'm ready when you are,” Gabriel called from downstairs, snapping Castiel out of his thoughts.

“Coming Gabe!” he called back, grabbing his trench coat before he walked out of his room. This was going to be a long day.


	3. Everything Else

**3\. Everything Else**

__**And you play,  
And you play.  
And everything else goes away.**

Therapy was good, Castiel supposed. Or if not good, at least... helpful? Probably. The doctor certainly seemed to think so, and after all, she was the expert. And Gabe clearly agreed with her, too. Castiel didn't... feel all that better, if he had to be honest, but... well, he had just never liked therapy, you see? It was really sort of his own fault. But the doctor was nice, and always smiled, and was really optimistic. And always made sure to ask about his meds, and give him new, better ones if they didn't seem to be working perfectly well. So Castiel supposed he shouldn't be ungrateful – he should be happy he had Dr. Allen. She was really good. And she had given him other meds this week, and she seemed confident they would make him stable, this time. Castiel could only hope.

When the session was done, he went to get some lunch with Gabriel, who, as usual, practically interrogated him about therapy. And as usual, Castiel gave him a few, standard 'everything's fine' and 'Dr. Allen is a genius' replies, then tried to steer him away from the topic, and towards another one. Usually Sam. If you started talking to Gabe about Sam, you could never go wrong – Gabe picked up the topic, and started going on and on and on about him. Which resulted in Castiel being able to eat in peace while nodding along.

It was sweet, really, that Gabe was still so obviously smitten with Sam, even after years together, and if Castiel could... say, use all this amazing love to make sure his cousin stopped pestering him about therapy, well. It was a win-win situation, really.

When lunch was done, Gabriel waited around for Dean to come join them, then left, but not before making another comment about blowjobs – and another particularly filthy one involving rimming that earned him Castiel's infamous Glare of Doom. He was _so_ making him pay for that.

Being alone with Dean was a little awkward at first, especially after Gabe's stupid, inappropriate jokes, because they didn't really know each other much, yet. But talking with Dean turned out to be easier than Castiel had anticipated. He didn't think he had ever hit it off so quickly with anyone, except Balthazar, and it was honestly great that he was getting along so well with Dean, considering they would live together and all.

The plan had been to take Dean around, show him all the good places, but they just ended up wandering around aimlessly and ended up in a park just a few of blocks away from home. Castiel led Dean to a bench almost completely hidden by trees that was always empty, far enough from all the children and dogs playing that it was pretty quiet, but close enough to the stream that ran through the park that someone sitting there could easily hear the water flowing. In a word, perfect.

Castiel smiled, sighing happily as he sat down on the bench, looking up at Dean.

“So? What do you think?”

“I think it's gorgeous, man,” Dean said, looking around and nodding to himself as he sat down next to Castiel.

“Told you.”

“Yeah. And you were right – I mean, this place... wow,” Dean said, turning around to smile at Castiel. “Thanks for taking me here.”

Castiel chuckled.

“Well, I suppose this makes up for not really showing you around.”

“Nah, don't even mention it, Cas,” Dean said, shaking his head. “This is the awesomest place ever. How did you find it, by the way?”

“Oh, it was just... luck, I guess,” Castiel said, shrugging. “It was back when we still lived in the old apartment – it was just here, around the corner, and I came here pretty often. One day I was walking through the park. You know, kind of looking for inspiration. And boom, most inspiring place in the world appears in front of me.” he chuckled a little. “This was my go-to place whenever I felt like I couldn't write a complete sentence. Whenever I got frustrated, I just came here.”

“Oooh, right. Cause you said you're a writer, yeah?” Dean remembered, nodding a little.

“Exactly. Unpublished, but... yeah.”

“Right,” Dean said, nodding again, then smiled. “Well, I'd like to read something of yours, one of these days. Like – if it doesn't make you uncomfortable or anything, of course.”

“I, uh...” Castiel said hesitantly. “The thing is... you know. Everything I got is pretty old,” he admitted with a small smile. “Some of it is... good, I guess. Just... _old_. I don't feel it really... represents who I am anymore. It's from... before.”

Dean frowned, a little confused.

“Before?”

“Before I developed my disorder,” Castiel explained.

“...oh – _oh._ Yeah, of course. Sorry.”

“No need to be,” Castiel assured him with a smile. “I mean, it's... getting better. Day by day. But... especially at first... you know, all those meds, all those doctors... and mood swings, and then the hallucinations started, too... let's just say, writing wasn't a priority anymore. I started doing it less and less, and...” he sighed. “Starting all over again is not as easy as one would think.”

“Yeah. I bet,” Dean said, giving Castiel a small, sympathetic smile.

“It's sad, though, you know?” Castiel said, shrugging and sighing a little. “Because writing... it's always been my thing. It... always made me feel... free. Writing. It made me feel... at peace. You know – as if my problems all magically disappeared. Maybe it sounds silly, but... when I write it's like... like everything else goes away.”

“That's awesome that you're so passionate about writing Cas,” Dean said, a smile still on his lips. “You should totally start doing that again.”

“Yeah. I know. Would be awesome,” Castiel said, turning a little sad. “I don't know if I still can. I tried, but... I can't seem to write a single word. I don't know why.”

“Maybe you just need to find the right inspiration?” he suggested.

“...Yeah. Maybe.”

Castiel sighed a little, then gave Dean a small smile.

“Now I feel bad. Not only I didn't take you around, now I'm depressing you with my sob story,” he said, letting out a small chuckle.

“Nah, don't feel bad,” Dean said, patting Castiel's back and returning his smile. “You're not depressing me. I don't mind listening at all. And you know, I'm gonna have time to go around. About three months at least. More if people like my show and they offer me to stay. Which – fingers crossed.”

“Definitely,” Castiel said, nodding. “What's the deal with that? Why are they just hiring you temporarily? Are you replacing someone or...?”

“Yeah – the chick who usually runs the show is on maternity leave,” Dean explained. “So they had to hire someone to replace her. They considered getting me 'cause, you know, someone heard my show in the old place – sheer fucking luck, let me tell you, 'cause I had a really shitty time slot. But you know, whatever. A job's a job, and plus I loved it. So no complaining there. Anyway, they ended up offering the place to someone else, and they took it, but ended up changing their mind at the very last moment. So, again, sheer fucking luck for me. I got offered the place, and they told me if they like what they do, they're gonna give me my own show, in a freaking wonderful time slot, so... yeah. Again, fingers crossed.”

Castiel smiled.

“Well, I really hope you'll get offered that place, then.”

“Me, too. Man, the salary is awesome, I absolutely love the job, and... you know, I'd get to be near Sammy. Would be perfect,” Dean said with a small smile.

“It really would. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, Dean,” Castiel said softly, lightly touching his arm and squeezing it for a moment.

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it,” Dean replied, smiling again. He let out a small sigh, then, and stood, looking down at Castiel and patting his back. “C'mon. Let's go. I'm buying you coffee.”

Castiel smiled and stood, walking away with him.

He really liked talking to Dean, and... he hoped he'd get to stay.

He felt this could be the start of a wonderful friendship.


	4. I Miss The Mountains

**4\. I Miss The Mountains**

__**Mountains make you crazy  
Here it's safe and sound  
My mind is somewhere hazy  
My feet are on the ground  
Everything is balanced here  
And on an even keel  
Everything is perfect  
Nothing's real**

For the next couple of weeks after Dean's first day in town, things went perfectly smoothly. Everyone was getting along well and they were all loving to have one more roommate. And speaking of Dean, he seemed to be adapting to his new life well, too – always smiling when he was home, and very clearly genuinely enjoying his job. Balthazar was the only one who didn't seem to be all that smitten with him – he was mortally jealous of him, and Castiel would lie if he said he didn't know. Castiel wasn't stupid. He knew he liked Dean, and he knew Balthazar knew it, too. Dean was... well, handsome, for one. And most importantly, he was a real sweetheart. He was sweet, he was generous, and he was incredibly caring. Not to mention, he was very funny and witty, and had great taste in music, too – ever since he had started working at the radio station, Castiel hadn't missed his show once. He and Dean... Castiel knew they had a connection that could easily turn into something more. Or actually – could have turned into something more if Castiel hadn't already been taken. Because there was no way he would ever leave Balthazar, or even just _think_ of cheating on him. No way. And he knew, despite his jealousy, Balthazar knew it, too.

Castiel had taken to trying to diffuse the tension by teasing him about it, and Balthazar would protest, and pout and make snarky comments about Dean. One time, he had even called the poor guy an 'ape', and Castiel and Balthazar had had a sort of fight, after which Castiel had made him promise to avoid doing that in the future, and try to be nicer to him. Balthazar had promised, then they had kissed and had had a particularly fun night together. Cas just couldn't stay mad at Balthazar for too long. He didn't mind a little bit of jealousy all that much, just as long as Balthazar knew that Castiel wasn't going to leave him, no matter what.

Besides, Castiel had other things to worry about. He had been on the new meds Dr. Allen had given him for a few weeks now, and... honestly, he wasn't feeling so good, today. He hadn't felt all that well in a few days, actually. He had talked about that with Dr. Allen, but she insisted it was all normal, and he shouldn't worry about it too much.

But he felt... numb. Numb was the right word for it, yes. He hardly felt like himself anymore, honestly. He hardly felt anything at all. Dr. Allen said that that meant that he was stable. And she was the expert, he supposed. But, somehow, that didn't help him feel better at all. It was just... it was so, so hard. So hard. Especially these last few days.

Castiel sighed, glancing out of the window and smiling. Dean was out on the lawn, laughing that adorable full-body laugh of this while he talked with Gabriel and Sam. From the way Sam was rolling his eyes fondly, he supposed Gabe might have made one of his very inappropriate comments. Castiel shook his head. That would make sense, because in the last few weeks Dean had proven to have a sense of humor that was... pretty similar to Gabe's. He was sure he and Balthazar would have a lot of fun together, too, if only Balthazar weren't so determined to dislike him.

“Hey, Cassy. What are you doing?”

Speak of the devil...

Castiel turned to look at Balthazar, giving him a small smile and shrugging. “Hey Balth. Not much. I was trying to read but I'm not really in the mood. I was thinking of maybe joining the others downstairs, but...” he sighed, shrugging a little.

“But?” Balthazar prompted him gently.

“I don't know,” Castiel murmured, wrapping his arms around Balthazar and leaning into him. “I don't seem to really feel like doing much at all, lately.”

Balthazar frowned, kissing Castiel's forehead.

“I noticed,” he murmured back. “What is it? Is it the meds?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Castiel said, sighing and nodding. “I just feel so... numb. You know? I don't... feel much of anything, really.”

“Maybe you should ask that doctor to change your meds? Or at least the doses? They're clearly not working for you.”

“Well, according to Dr. Allen, they're working just fine,” Castiel said, shrugging. “She says I feel this way because I'm finally stable. Now... I mean, if you're asking me if I like it... I don't. But... what can I do? I need these meds, and I'm trusting the doctor. If she says they're working, then they're working.”

“Except you don't like the way you feel when you take them.”

Castiel sighed again.

“No, but it's not like I have many other options, is it?” he pointed out. He glanced at his watch then. “Which reminds me, I have a pill I should take right now.”

He brushed past Balthazar, feeling his eyes on him as he made his way to the bathroom and to the medicine cabinet, where he looked through the various pills to find the right ones. He found the right bottle and took it out of the cabinet, looking at it intently. Sometimes, he just wanted to take all these pills and flush them down the toilet without a single thought. Sometimes, he wished he could just stop depending on so many freaking pills to function.

But did he need those pills to function, after all? The truth was, he didn't know anymore. Lately, he couldn't write anything even remotely decent. He couldn't feel anything, and he couldn't... he would sit down at his laptop, and just stare at the depressingly empty page on the screen. Unable to write one single word. Sometimes, he thought he'd be better off without all these meds – what good were they even doing? They were just making him numb. But he didn't want to feel numb. He wanted to feel – so desperately. He wanted to feel so desperately that he had started to miss his illness, the very reason he was taking the pills in the first place. At least it had made him feel alive. Which was more he could say about those pills.

He remembered life before therapy, and he remembered life before he found pills that actually worked well for him. Sometimes... all the time... he felt like those times were better than what he had now. Without meds he was... completely off the rails. Deliriously happy one second, dealing with the most terrible bout of depression the next one. Sometimes even tormented by visions. But at least... at least it felt real.

God, Gabe and Sam would kill him, if they knew what he was thinking. But he couldn't help it. He just... missed it. There, he had thought it. He missed his illness. Missed waking up in the morning feeling elated, even crying himself to sleep at night, and feeling empty, feeling like he wanted to die. At least some pill wasn't convincing his brain everything was perfectly okay, and then keeping it from feeling... anything. Anything at all. Dr. Allen would try to convince him this was the closest to normal he could get but... Castiel didn't feel like it was the truth. This was... just not real. The sense of tranquility the meds were trying to make him feel was just... it was not real. Not real, not real, nothing was real. And Castiel was just... he was just tired.

He sighed deeply, eyeing the toilet just a foot away from him. It would have been so easy to just empty all those bottles in the toilet. Just flush away all of those pills and forget about it. Just... be free. But how could he? His whole family rooted for him, wanted him to get better. To be okay. There was no cure for what he had, they said, but there was a chance to control it. To get better. Dr. Allen and her meds were that chance.

Did Castiel want to take that chance? Probably not. But did it matter? Again... probably not.

How could he just throw away everything therapy had given him? Could he do that? Carelessly throw his only defense against his illness? Could he? Would he?

“Do it,” Balthazar's soft voice said from the doorway while Castiel stared at the toilet, bottle of pills still in his hands.

He turned, startled, finding Balthazar to look at him seriously.

“Balthazar...?”

“I'm not joking. You should do it.”

Castiel looked away, ashamed of his thoughts.

“Do, um... what...?”

“What you were thinking of doing. Cassy, come on. I _know_ you _,_ ” Balthazar said, taking his hands. “You're not happy like this. You don't _want_ this. Then why insist? Just because the doctor said you should?”

“Gabe, and Sam...”

“Forget Gabe and Sam. This is about _you_. You're the one who has to live with your illness, and you're the one who has to live with the effect of those pills,” Balthazar said softly. “The only question is, which one would you rather live with?”

Castiel didn't say a word. They both knew what the answer was. He looked away, and Balthazar gently took the bottle from Castiel's hands, taking a step towards the toilet.

“Are you sure about this, Cassy? I want you to be completely sure.”

“Do you think it's a bad idea?” Castiel asked, looking up again, his eyes anxious, worried as they locked with Balthazar's. It almost looked as if he was looking for approval, and was sure he wasn't going to get it.

But Balthazar just smiled and pecked Castiel's lips, shaking his head.

“I think it's a great idea, darling,” he assured him. “I think you're brave.”

“But Gabe and Sam...”

“What Gabe and Sam don't know can't hurt them, can it?”

Castiel let out the breath he had been holding and smiled a little, grabbing his other pills and helping Balthazar get rid of those, too.

And as the toilet flushed his medication away, he felt... surprisingly light. Finally free again, for the first time in too long.

And he wasn't stupid, he knew this was going to be far from easy, and he was probably going to regret this a few times in the future. But he'd have Balthazar with him, to help him out. And he was sure the others would ultimately understand, too. They would see how much happier he was this way, and they would understand.

And as he watched the last pill disappear, Castiel couldn't find it in himself to regret his decision. He was getting back his life, and that was all he wanted. All he needed.

 


	5. He's Not Here

**5\. He's Not Here**

__**The sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound.  
Or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.  
It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day.  
You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way.**

It had been a couple of days since when Castiel had flushed away all his meds, and he hadn't felt this good in a while. He had yet to regret his decision, and as he danced around the kitchen, looking for the flour someone – Gabriel, surely – hadn't put back in the right place the last time they had used it, singing softly under his breath, he doubted he ever would. Balthazar had been true to his word, and had told nothing to Gabe and Sam, who had seemingly not noticed anything different in him. Although, honestly, he had been on so many meds, and had gotten so many mood swings, maybe that was why they couldn't notice. Whatever the reason, Castiel wasn't going to complain.

“Hey Cas,” a voice called, and Castiel turned around, a small smile spreading on his face.

“Hello Dean.”

“What are you doing? Something fun?”

“Just making a cake,” Castiel said, opening a drawer below the sink. “There you are,” he added, grabbing the flour and shaking his head. “I've been looking for the flour for ten minutes. Gabe can never put anything back where he found it.”

“That's just how Gabe is,” Dean said, chuckling a little. “A cake, huh?”

“Yep,” Castiel said, nodding, making the 'p' in the word pop.

“And is it for some kind of special occasion, or...?”

“It _is_ for a special occasion, yes,” Castiel said, smiling up at Dean. “We're gonna celebrate tonight at dinner.”

“Aw, man. You let me down big time here, though,” Dean joked, leaning against the counter and grinning at Castiel. “Cake, and no pie?”

“You really can't stop thinking about your pie, huh?” Castiel teased, raising his eyebrow at Dean. “Well, I'm really sorry to disappoint. It had to be cake this time. But maybe next time?”

“Counting on it,” Dean agreed, nodding. “So... what kind of cake are you gonna make, then?”

“I was thinking... okay, now, keep an open mind, because I know it might sound a little pretentious, but... I think it's just perfect,” Castiel said.

Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Alright, then. Open mind.”

“I was thinking champagne cake with strawberry filling and white chocolate icing.”

Dean bit on his bottom lip, seemingly trying to hold back a laugh.

“What?” Castiel asked.

“Dude.”

“ _What?_ ”

“It's the single most pretentious cake I've ever heard of,” Dean said, laughing. “Are you gonna add caviar, too, or...?”

Castiel gave him a half-hearted glare.

“You promised you'd keep an open mind!”

“I am. I will try it, no problem. But it's a pretentious cake,” Dean said with a shrug, still smiling. “Don't be afraid of your pretentiousness, my friend. Just embrace it.”

Castiel rolled his eyes, unable to hold back a smile.

“You're so stupid.”

“Maybe that's why you like me so much.”

“Oh, you think I like you.”

“I know you do.”

“That's so cute.”

“What's cute?” Dean asked with a small smile.

“How confident you are. Cocky, even, I would say,” Castiel teased him, bumping his shoulder against Dean's.

“Confidence is what gets cute girls and guys to like me.”

“And cockiness, too?”

“I don't know. You tell me.”

Castiel looked down, shaking his head, a smile on his lips.

“You're _ridiculous._ ”

“Which is why you like me. And now we're back full circle,” Dean said with a big grin.

“Yeah. That's why I like you,” Castiel conceded. “It's why we _all_ like you. You're so ridiculous it's endearing.”

“Just as long as my evil plan to go out with you works...”

“Like I was saying, ridiculous,” Castiel said, rolling his eyes fondly at Dean. “Have you ever baked a super pretentious cake before?”

“Nope,” Dean said, shaking his head.

“And would you like to do it now?”

“Yep!” Dean said, grinning at Castiel. “Thought you'd never ask, Novak.”

“I just thought I might use an assistant,” Castiel said, smiling at Dean. “How are you, Dean? Are you liking the place and the job so far?”

“Very,” Dean said, nodding a little. “You know, they pay me well, and I have a lot of fun, and the guys at the radio station are awesome – I'm gonna have to introduce you to Benny and Charlie soon, because _man..._ and now that I got my Impala here, things are really perfect.”

Castiel smiled softly.

“So you're happy.”

“Yeah. I guess you could say that. Very happy.”

Castiel nodded.

“That's great. I mean, you're a great addition to the family. And Sam's just ecstatic to have you here, I can tell,” he said. “I bet he missed you, these past few years. I mean, I know you called each other, and emailed each other and stuff. But living together – or at least close - is another thing entirely. And I think Sam really missed that.”

“Yeah. I missed that, too,” Dean admitted, nodding. “Well, good news is, they're probably gonna offer me a long-term contract because they're really liking my show. And people seem to like it, too. So... you know.”

“Your show is very good, Dean,” Castiel said softly.

Dean turned to look at him, looking surprised.

“So you listen to me?”

“Religiously – couldn't live without hearing your voice on the radio everyday,” Castiel teased him, chuckling a little and patting Dean's back, his hand lingering on Dean's shoulder for a moment when he pulled back. “But seriously. Yeah, I do, and it's a great show. You should be very proud of what you do.”

Dean shrugged, smiling a little.

“Thanks, man. Always nice to hear people appreciate what I do, you know?”

“You're welcome. It's just the truth.”

“I guess I'm just very passionate about music,” Dean said, shrugging again.

“And it shows,” Castiel said with a smile. “Now. Let's focus on this cake, or we'll never get it done. Okay, so, um... can you hand me the flour? Thanks. Now...”

The afternoon spent with Dean baking the cake was one of the best afternoons of Castiel's life. Dean was just... genuinely nice, and an awesome guy to have around. They talked about everything, and nothing, and found out they had even more in common than anticipated. Castiel smiled a little at the thought of how jealous Balthazar would be. And to think, they were there, making his birthday cake. A birthday cake that turned out absolutely wonderfully, if Castiel said so himself. He and Dean had used the leftover of the dough to make a mini cake, which they had filled and iced exactly like the bigger cake. They had split it in half and tried it for, um... quality control purposes. Obviously. And for all his talk about how pretentious the cake was, Dean had finished his half very quickly. Castiel was very, very happy with the final result, and he was pretty sure Balthazar was going to love it. He knew he didn't expect anything for his birthday, so it would be a double surprise for him.

The evening came, and Castiel was very pleased when everyone sat down at the table together – with five people living in the house, it was almost impossible to have everyone free at the same time, and meals all together were getting rarer and rarer. So he was happy that they had all managed to get together for Balthazar's birthday. The dinner was going great, and everything was really good. Sam and Gabriel were bickering and flirting, and being all-around very adorable as usual, and Balthazar was giving Castiel the stink-eye every time he talked to Dean, which Castiel found really funny. He was so stupid. And Castiel loved him so much.

When everyone was done eating, Castiel stood, a big smile on his face.

“Okay – okay. Guys, if I can have your attention for a moment... thanks. So, as all of you know, today's a very special day. So special, in fact, that Dean and I prepared a little surprise – Dean was a wonderful assistant, and I'm pretty sure you all will love our surprise. So, if you want to prepare yourselves....” he said, chuckling as he walked towards the kitchen. He quickly got the cake out of the fridge, lighting up a candle in the middle of it before he walked back in the dining room, a big smile on his face. “Happy birthday!”

His words, however, didn't seem to have the effect he was hoping for. Balthazar smiled softly, mouthing a 'thank you', but Sam and Gabriel immediately stiffened, and Castiel frowned a little at them. What was their problem, now? What, was he not supposed to bring up the fact that it was his boyfriend's birthday? Wasn't he allowed to bake a cake and want to celebrate? Weren't they happy, too, to celebrate their friend's birthday? Because Balthazar _was_ their friend and they _should_ be happy. One would think they would be happy for the cake, if nothing else.

“Gabe! You didn't tell me it was your birthday – dammit, man, if I had known I would've gotten you something!” Dean said with a bright smile.

A beat.

“It's not my birthday,” Gabriel finally said, looking down, looking absolutely wrecked.

Dean frowned.

“What do you mean, it's not your birthday? It's not mine, and it's not Sam's, and I doubt Cas would bake himself a cake...?”

“It's not my birthday, stupid,” Castiel said, laughing a little and resting the cake on the table. “It's Balth's!”

“Balth?” Dean asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“Balthazar,” Sam said quietly, wrapping his arm around Gabriel, looking just as wrecked as he did. “Cas' boyfriend.”

“Oh,” Dean said, blinking, looking a little disappointed, and even more confused. “I had no idea you had a boyfriend.”

“What? Don't be silly, of course you knew about Balth,” Castiel said, looking around and frowning a little, not really understanding why everyone was being like this. They were ruining Balthazar's birthday, and what for? Castiel didn't understand. “Come on, guys. You're spoiling all the fun! We should be singing happy birthday now...”

“Cas,” Sam said quietly, standing from the chair and walking towards Castiel slowly, as if he was afraid he might scare him away if he moved too quickly.

“What?” Castiel asked, blinking at Sam, then down at Gabriel, who looked absolutely distraught.

“Cas,” Sam whispered again, taking his hands. “Cas, he's not here.”

Castiel blinked at him once, twice. Then he smiled and let out a small chuckle.

“What are you talking about? Of course he is!” he said, looking down at Balthazar, who was laughing, too, as he sipped at his wine. Castiel turned to Dean. “Balth is right there, he's right there giving you the stink-eye because he thinks you're into me – he always does that. Tell him that you can see him, too.”

“Cas... I don't see anyone,” Dean said quietly, carefully, as if he wasn't sure what to say, exactly. As if he, too, was scared of Castiel's reaction. “There's no one here. Just you, me, Sam and Gabe.”

“What are you talking about? He's right there,” Castiel said, frowning deeply. He was getting a little tired of this game, honestly. Why was everyone so set on ruining Balthazar's special day? “Is this some kind of joke? A prank? Some kind of game, what? If you think you're being funny, you're not.”

“Cas,” Sam murmured again, rubbing his arms gently, his eyes filling with tears. “Cas stop. Stop. He's not here.”

“Yes, he _is_! He's -”

“No,” Sam said quietly, resting his hands on either side of Castiel's face. “Cas, please. You know. I know you know. I know you remember. You have to, Cas... he's not here. I don't know why you still... Cas, you have to let him go.”

“Let him...?”

“Cas,” Sam said, looking into Castiel's eyes sadly. “Cas, he's been dead for three years, now.”

Castiel felt like throwing up.

His legs were so weak he was sure he would just fall any moment, his head was spinning, and he wanted to throw up. He heard the small gasp coming from Dean, and the whispered “Oh shit,” that escaped his lips.

No. _No_.

“No,” Castiel breathed, tears filling his eyes. “No – what... what are you saying, he's just...”

But when he looked down, Balthazar wasn't there anymore.

Castiel pulled away from Sam and leaned on the table, shaking violently as he let himself fall on the chair, the echo of Balthazar's laughter still ringing in his ears.

“Hang on – come to think of it... Balthazar was that friend of yours, right Sammy?” Dean said quietly, looking a little lost. “The one who got into that car crash and-”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “Died. Three years ago.”

“But. But he was right there,” Castiel protested in a whisper, although he knew that was not the truth. How could it be? Balthazar was gone – his eyes, his laugh, and that warm smile that was only for Cas – gone forever. He wasn't coming back. All that was left of him was a marble headstone, and a few, cold words that could never even come close to describe how much he had been, to so many people.

“What about your meds?” Gabriel asked, his voice desperate, yet accusing. “I thought they were working.”

“They were,” Castiel said, although he knew that wasn't the exact truth. Maybe they kept his mood swings under control. But they had never done much for his hallucinations. He hesitated for a few moments, then he sighed. “I flushed them down the toilet a couple of days ago.”

“What?” Sam said, sitting down next to Castiel where Balthazar had been just a few moments ago, smiling and sipping on his wine. Castiel had to close his eyes, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “Cas, why? You were getting better! You were getting so much better – why...?”

“You wouldn't understand,” Castiel said quietly. “I couldn't... couldn't take it anymore. Those pills... Doctor Allen insists they make me stable, but they just... they just make me numb. And I can't...” he trailed off, closing his eyes again as more tears rolled down his cheeks. “I feel dead inside. When I take those pills, I feel dead inside. I don't feel... anything. And I... Balthazar said...”

“Balthazar,” Gabriel said, clenching his fists. “Cas, Balthazar is dead.”

“I know,” Castiel said quietly. “But he said I was brave for throwing away my meds. That he wouldn't tell you.”

“Cas, Balthazar would've wanted you to be okay,” Sam said quietly, stroking Castiel's back gently. “You know he would. He wouldn't have suggested you got rid of your meds. Cas, it could've been dangerous for you.”

“Those pills aren't making anything any better,” Castiel protested in a soft voice.

“And how would you know that?” Gabriel snapped. “Cas, for God's sake! You're not a doctor. And all the doctors you've had? They agree you need those meds. What – you think they're all just stupid?”

“Gabe, I think you should...” Dean said quietly, hesitantly.

“Stay out of this,” Gabriel said firmly, and Dean raised his hands, murmuring an apology. “Cas. We all want you to get better, okay? We all want your life to go back to normal.”

“Gabe is right, Cas,” Sam said encouragingly. “And we know you can do it. It can happen. Plenty of people live with bipolar disorder and...”

“And this is not about my disorder. I can live with it,” Castiel said quietly. “My disorder isn't the problem here.”

“Balthazar is gone, Cas,” Gabriel said gently, but firmly. “It's been three years. I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying you can just forget everything about him overnight, but you _have_ to go on with your life. I know that it's hard, but...”

“You know?” Castiel cut him off, looking up at him through his tears. “And what is it, exactly, that you know?”

“Cas, we know you're hurting,” Sam murmured.

“Sam was his friend, too, Cas,” Gabriel pointed out. “You're not the only one who's hurting.”

“You have no idea what you're talking about,” Castiel said, biting his bottom lip and blinking to try and stop the tears. “Do you wake up every morning, day after day, after day, wishing you were just... just _dead_? Do find yourself being _jealous_ of the dead? Huh? Do you know what it fucking means to... to feel yourself _die_ alive? No?” He slammed his fist on the table, trembling and shaking his head. “You have no right to tell me you know how I feel. You have no right to tell me Sam, or you, or anybody else is hurting the way I am. It's just not true, and I wish you would just recognize it. He was _everything_. He was my everything and he's just... _gone_. Overnight, without a reason and without any time for a proper goodbye. So I suggest you keep. Your. Mouth. _SHUT._ ”

“Cas, for fuck's sake!” Gabriel snapped. “This isn't just about you, okay? You aren't the only one affected. Because me and Sam? We fucking matter, okay? We fucking matter, and we've been here all along. We've been here watching you cry, and we've been here watching you change five fucking doctors, and we've been here for you through everything. _Everything._ So no, you're not the only one who's hurting. And you should fucking start to realize it, too. It'd be about damn time.”

“Gabe, please,” Sam said, resting his hand on Gabriel's. “What he's trying to say is... we're trying to help you, Cas. We're worried about you.”

“What they're trying to do is wipe away all I've been,” Balthazar's voice said, and Castiel turned to see him on the doorway, looking every bit as stunning as he had been in life. “They're trying to make you forget. They're trying to sweep all the pain under the rug and have a fairytale ending with a nice little bow on top. But that's not possible. I know it, and you know it, too, Cassy.”

Castiel stood abruptly, pulling away from Sam and Gabe and wrapping his arms around himself, shaking his head.

“No,” he breathed. “You're not trying to help me, I... no. You don't know. You _don't know_ ,” he insisted, walking backwards towards the door, trembling, but feeling himself instinctively relax when Balthazar's arms were around him. A hallucination. Nothing more. But God, he felt so real...

“I can't. I'm sorry, I can't,” Castiel murmured, looking over at Gabriel and Sam, his gaze stopping briefly on Dean, too. “I'm sorry,” he whispered again before he turned and started to walk away.

Gabriel sighed, punching the table.

“ _Fuck_. I thought he had gotten better,”he mumbled, loud enough for Castiel to hear as he walked away.

“Maybe Doctor Allen just isn't the right one for him,” Sam said softly, and Castiel could almost see him wrapping his arms around Gabe comfortingly. He wondered what would Gabe do, if _Sam_ died on him, just like that. If he would still say Cas should simply try to get over it.

“This girl from work was telling me about this therapist,” Dean's voice said. “Apparently she's really helping her, and...”

Castiel got too far away to understand what the voices were saying, but he didn't care. It was just another therapist, just another attempt to make him normal again. He didn't want a new therapist. He wanted his Balthazar back. But, of course, he was going to say yes. He always did. Whatever made Gabe and Sam happy – if Castiel couldn't be happy himself, well... other people should be. But right now, he really didn't want to have to think about that.

He curled up on his bed, not bothering getting changed, one single tear rolling down his cheek. And as Balthazar spooned him, his hand caressing Castiel's chest lovingly as his breath tickled the nape of Castiel's neck, it was hard to believe this was nothing but a trick his mind was playing on him.

His last thought before he fell into a heavy sleep was that, right now, he really wouldn't mind being numb.


	6. Catch me I'm Falling

**6\. Catch Me I'm Falling**

**Catch me I'm falling...  
Flying headfirst into fate.  
Catch me I'm falling...  
Please hear me calling...  
Catch me before it's too late.**

Castiel had ended up saying yes to trying with this new doctor, just as he had predicted. Gabriel seemed really happy to see him trying, and Sam had told him how he hoped this doctor would finally find a way to make the hallucinations stop, and keep the mood swings under control.

Dean had just smiled, but as he looked at him, Castiel had the distinct feeling Dean knew the truth – knew that he wasn't doing this because he truly thought he was going to heal. He was just trying to make Gabe and Sam happy.

Once again, Castiel thought that in another situation, he'd have been all over Dean by now. He wasn't just handsome – though, of course, that, too. There was just something about him. They were just... it was just easy for them, to understand each other. Kindred spirits, Castiel supposed the right definition would be. Whatever the reason, they definitely shared a profound bond, and Castiel guessed that it was nice, to have someone who seemed to understand. When they had talked about this new doctor, Dean had really seemed to be the only one realizing that the last thing Castiel wanted to do was find a new therapist. When Castiel had agreed to give the therapist a shot and they were all done talking about it, Dean had just randomly mentioned he wanted to check a place out, and didn't want to go alone, and would be very grateful if Castiel had decided to go with him. Castiel was very glad he had decided to say yes, because Dean had driven him around on his – very awesome, he had to admit – car, and they had ended up in a pie shop on the other side of the city. Dean had bought a slice of every pie in the shop and they had sat down and eaten everything together, laughing and talking about books, music and movies for the whole afternoon. Dean had been horrified when he had learned Castiel wasn't a fan of Doctor Sexy, MD, and actually found it a little silly, and had made him promise he would give the show another shot. And while he was at it, he should really look into some punk rock, because Dean had a feeling that was something Castiel might like. Castiel, in turn, demanded Dean gave a chance to Emily Brontë – because Wuthering Heights was actually really great, thank you very much – and also begged him to give musical theater a chance instead of being a stubborn mule about it. Castiel would be forever grateful to Dean for helping get his mind off things that day. For making him smile, and laugh.

They had since watched Rent and a whole season of Doctor Sexy, MD, sitting on the couch together a little closer than strictly necessary. Castiel was starting to really get into the show, and Dean had admitted he found Rent pretty great, even said he would like to see more musicals, if Cas had more awesome ones to recommend.

Castiel was just... at ease with Dean, which was why he was deeply relieved when he had volunteered to drive him to his first session with the new doctor, one Meg Masters. At least Castiel hadn't had to keep up the pretense for anyone. They had talked, and Dean had told him about Dr. Masters. Apparently, his friend Charlie, who Dean had already told him about once or twice, had spoken very highly of this doctor, and how she had managed to help her overcome a few issues – Dean hadn't really gone into details, and Castiel hadn't asked because he didn't feel it was his place. Dean had, however, mentioned that those issues had to do with the death of a loved one, and Castiel supposed that it was promising, that she had found therapy with Dr. Master so beneficial. He was sure Gabriel had been over the moon, when Dean had told him about this doctor.

Castiel, on the other hand, wasn't that sure about it. He had had a few sessions with her, and she seemed very competent, but... oh, it was embarrassing. But his subconscious had taken to giving him hallucinations of the doctor's eyes turning black, and her making sexually explicit comments about him here and there during therapy. She also called him Clarence a lot. He knew it wasn't actually her because her eyes were always black when she did that – but still, it could get a bit frustrating. She always asked him a lot about Balthazar, and he liked that, because even though the sessions often ended in tears, well... Balthazar was always his very favorite topic.

Another thing he liked about the new doctor was, he got to go there with Dean every week. The doctor's study was pretty close to where Dean worked, so he usually drove Cas there, and then Castiel waited in the coffee shop in front of it until Dean came over during his lunch break. They had lunch together, and then Dean dropped him off back home again before he had to go back to work.

It was great, really, because Dean was one of the few people he felt like he could really talk to – and he was sorry to say this, because Gabe was his cousin, and Sam was his best friend, and Dean was the only one out of them who had never even _met_ Balthazar. And yet he was the only one who seemed to... to understand a little. Castiel didn't know why, but... it was just good, to talk to Dean. He was someone who never, ever judged, and Castiel liked that. He seemed to know what it meant, to lose someone. Castiel knew from Sam that he and Dean had lost their mom when Sam was a baby, and Dean was four years old. And then their father, of course, just a couple of years ago. And Castiel knew, he knew the two situations were impossible to compare, but still... he supposed that that was the reason why it seemed to be easier for Dean to understand.

He had told Dr. Masters a lot about Dean, too, and she seemed to think it was very good, that Castiel was spending a lot of time with him, lately. She said he had a positive influence on Castiel, and Castiel could only agree with that.

That day, when Castiel walked in and Dr. Masters had asked him how he was, and he had told her a little about his week, she sat down her notepad and looked at him in the eyes, giving him a kind smile.

“Today, I would like to try something different with you,” she said softly.

Castiel raised an eyebrow, turning to lie on his side so he could face her.

“Okay...?”

“I want to tie you up and ride you until you beg for mercy, Clarence,” Doctor Masters said, her eyes turning black as she smirked at Castiel.

“...w-what...?”

“I said, would like to try with hypnosis,” she repeated kindly, tapping on her pad as her eyes turned back to normal. “Are you feeling okay, Castiel?”

Castiel swallowed, forcing out a smile as he shifted on his chair uncomfortably. God, these visions were so bad. So, so bad.

“I – huh. I'm good. You... were saying about the...?”

“Hypnosis,” the doctor said, yet again, looking mildly concerned. “I know it's very different from what we've done so far, but it's had enormous benefits on many other patients, and I think in your case...”

“I... don't know, doctor,” Castiel said hesitantly. “I mean, I don't think I'd be the type who'd be easily hypnotized...”

Dr. Masters just smiled to herself for a moment and looked back up at Castiel.

“Well, why don't we just give it a try?”

Castiel shrugged and moved to lie on his back again, looking up at the ceiling.

“Might as well try,” he agreed, nodding a little. He had honestly tried so many things already, one more couldn't hurt, that was for sure.

“Okay,” Dr. Masters said quietly, her voice soft and calm. “Now, please close your eyes. Focus on my voice. ...good,” she whispered when he had closed his eyes. “Now I want you to start walking. Walk with me, Castiel. We're walking down a very, very long flight of stairs – you can't see where they lead. Only darkness. We're walking. We reach a hall. You know this hall. You've been here before – but at the end of it, a door. It's a door that you've never laid eyes on before. ...okay. Now... I want you to open it. Open it with me, Castiel.”

Castiel opened his eyes – and they were glassy, unfocused, as though they were looking without really seeing anything.

“Can you hear me, Castiel?” Dr. Masters asked softly.

“Yes.”

“Are you nervous?”

“No,” Castiel whispered, shaking his head just slightly.

“Good,” she murmured, leaning forward in her seat. “Now. I need you to be open with me. It's been weeks, and you've told me many things. But you're still holding back. You're still not telling me the whole story. I would like to tell me everything you can now.”

Castiel was silent for a few moments.

“We were on our first year in college,” he finally started to tell. “Hit it off right away. We didn't have our whole future planned, but... it was there. In the back of our minds. We knew we were in it for the long run. Sam came to live with us two years later. We were in our Junior year in college, and Sam was a Freshman, but... we needed a third person to split the rent, and he was there. We became inseparable. We always joked that we'd have to fight for Sam as a best man when we'd end up getting married, although we both knew I'd end up leaving him to Balth, and I'd ask one of my cousins, instead. We were going to get married a couple of years after college, when we'd hopefully have a job, and could afford something nice for the wedding. And a romantic honeymoon. It all seemed such a great plan until...” he swallowed, his eyes filling with tears. “U-until...”

“Until?” Dr. Masters prompted him gently. “Castiel, I understand this is all very painful for you. But you have to be strong. And you have to do it for yourself. You have to... you need to talk about this. You need to admit to yourself what you lost, and learn to live with it. It won't be easy, and I know it. But sometimes... unfortunately, sometimes, it does hurt to be healed.”

Castiel took a deep breath, nodding a little.

“Dean is the only one who doesn't make it hurt,” he confessed. “It doesn't hurt, when I talk to him. It seems like... like he understands. I don't know why. But it feels like he does.”

Dr. Masters smiled a little.

“You mention Dean an awful lot, during our sessions.”

“I know.”

“You know... Balthazar was incredibly important to you. And no one expects you to forget, or to stop loving him, or his memory. But the fact stays... he's only a memory. The visions are protecting you from this truth, but this _is_ truth. He's a memory. He's your past. And if you don't deal with it, you risk losing something beautiful that could be waiting for you in your present. You should think about that,” Dr. Masters said. “Holding on to something you've lost only makes you scared you might lose it all over again. Unresolved loss leads to depression, fear of loss to anxiety. It just... turns into a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety. It may seem that these visions are making it easier for you, but they aren't. Believe me, they aren't. You need to let go of him, to be truly free. Truly happy.” She paused for a moment. “Wouldn't you like to be free?”

Castiel bit on his bottom lip and nodded.

“Yes. I would.”

“Good,” Dr. Masters said with a smile. “You told me you still have a lot of Balthazar's old stuff in your room. Why don't you... empty your room of his things? You need a fresh start. Maybe bake something with Dean. You say baking always relaxes you, and Dean doesn't make it hurt. Why don't you give it a try? A fresh start. Would you like to do it, Castiel?”

Castiel hesitated a moment, finally letting his eyes fall close.

“Yes, I would.”

 


	7. There's A World

**7\. There's a World**

__**There's a world, there's a world I know  
A place we can go where the pain will go away  
There's a world where the sun shines each day  
There's a world, there's a world out there  
I'll show you just where  
And in time I know you'll see  
There's a world where we can be free  
Come with me**

Castiel was very silent at lunch with Dean.

Dean seemed to understand he needed to be left alone, because although he did ask him if he was okay a couple of times, he didn't pressure him for an answer, and made sure to avoid the topic of therapy, for which Castiel was very grateful. Gabriel would've never been so willing to let it go. Dean even gave him a hug when he dropped him off back home, which was... unexpected, but very nice. Castiel hadn't realized how much he had needed it and he was grateful Dean had.

Sighing deeply, he walked into the house, hearing chuckles coming from the living room. It seemed like Sam was trying to study, and Gabriel was trying to disturb him in any way he could.

Castiel smiled, leaning against the door frame and watching them bickering and laughing together. They were so adorable. They were lucky to have each other, really. Every day, Castiel thanked God, or whoever was up there, for the fact that it had been Gabriel to decide to come help Sam with him, after... Balthazar. Maybe they would both have found other great people to be with if they hadn't met, but... they were so great for each other. And they clearly made each other happy. So Castiel was very glad they weren't with some other random people. They were better off together.

“Hey,” he greeted them after a minute, and they both looked up, both giving Castiel smiles – Sam's all dimples, Gabriel with his eyes soft.

“Hey kiddo,” Gabriel greeted him. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, huh... yeah. I guess,” he said, nodding a little and sighing softly. “I was thinking... you know. There's a lot of stuff that belongs to Balth in my room, and... I was thinking... it should probably... not... be there.”

Gabriel and Sam exchanged a look.

“...Cas, are you sure...?”

“Yeah,” Castiel said, nodding. “Yes. Dr. Masters says it would be very helpful to me. And... I... I think she's right. I mean, I... don't think I'm ready to just throw everything away, but...”

“We would never expect you to be,” Sam assured him. “Why don't you just... grab a box and put it all in? It's a first step. You don't have to throw anything away.”

Castiel nodded again, looking down.

“I think... I think I'll do that. Yes.”

“Do you need help to...?”

“No – no, please, I... I think I have to do it alone. Thank you, though.”

“Of course, kiddo,” Gabriel said, giving him a small, sad smile. “You're doing the right thing.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I... I know,” Castiel said, sighing before he walked away with one last smile. Right now, getting rid of Balthazar's stuff didn't feel like a fantastic idea at all. But he knew it was for the best. He knew that Balth's stuff scattered around his room only triggered more hallucinations. And that it all made him feel even more miserable.

He walked to the closet and grabbed an empty box, his heart sinking at the thought that it soon would be filled with all the things he had so jealously kept because they used to be Balthazar's. It would feel as if... as if he had gone again.

He let out a deep sigh and walked into his room, sitting on the edge of the bed. There was a beautiful picture of himself and Balthazar on his nightstand. It was just a random selfie they had taken before front-facing cameras were a thing, so they'd had to flip the phone instead – which, of course, resulted in the picture coming out kind of wonky and loopsided, but it was still nice. Castiel was staring at the phone, laughing as he tried to get the angle right, but Balthazar? Balth was looking at Castiel out of the corner of his eyes, that small smile that always made Castiel's heart skip a beat on his face. They both looked so... young. Young, carefree, and happy. It might have been, what? Five years since they took it? But it felt so, so much longer. That picture, Castiel would treasure forever. But... as for now, he probably needed to keep it away for a while. Where he couldn't see it. It would be easier to get over him, without a constant reminder of what had been – what could have been – right next to his bed.

He lifted the photo up, pressing a kiss to the glass covering it before he gently setting it down in the box.

And of course – there was the sweater he wore to bed whenever he felt particularly upset, whenever he missed Balthazar the most. It had been Balthazar's favorite sweater once, and Castiel always used to steal it from him because it was so comfy. Balthazar didn't mind, though, because it was a nice shade of blue that, according to him, really made Castiel's eyes pop. That, and he liked seeing Castiel wearing his clothes, because he was a romantic sap, try as he may to hide it. The sweater had been shiny and new back then. But after years of wearing it through sleepless nights, just to smell Balthazar's scent, well... it had become ratty, and the bright blue had faded. Castiel couldn't even remember how many times he'd had to sew a hole. And as much as he wished he could wear that sweater forever, never take it off again, well... he knew he couldn't. And besides, it had been ages since it had last smelled like Balth. Castiel had even tried to buy what used to be Balthazar's cologne to put some on it, but... it just wasn't the same. It was time to let go.

The sweater had to end up in the box. And with it, a lot of small objects scattered around the room, each of them carrying a small piece of Castiel and Balthazar's story.

In the end, Castiel sat on the bed again, closing his eyes for a moment. There was still one thing he needed to put in the box.

He sighed, running his hand to his neck and pulling the necklace out from under the shirt. It was a simple necklace, nothing fancy, just a leather cord with a small, round charm attached to it. On it, the words “My Heart Will Go On” were engraved. Castiel smiled, a very small laugh escaping his lips. God, Balthazar had hated that song. And that movie. And Celine Dion's whole _existence._ Castiel had found that necklace at some thrift store when he was looking for God knows what else, and he had decided to buy it for Balth as a joke. He hadn't expected Balthazar to love it so much that he started wearing it all the time, making sure it was perfectly visible over his ridiculous V-neck shirts. They had only been together for a little while, back then, and Castiel remembered that was the first time it had really hit him that, yes, this thing with Balth was serious. Yes, they were in for the long run, definitely.

And oh God – he remembered _how_ he had given him the necklace, too! He had dragged him to some karaoke bar, and had sung that song for him. Then he had given him the necklace almost casually, telling him that he would be sure not to risk forgetting that night out together, with that necklace around his neck.

“I was such a little shit,” Castiel whispered to himself, shaking his head and smiling. _“Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you. That is how I know we'll-”_

“I hate that God-awful song,” Balthazar said, leaning against the doorway and looking at Castiel with a small smile. “But you could sing the phone book, and I'd love it.”

“Balth,” Castiel breathed, setting the box down, but still holding the necklace in his hand.

“I'm here, Cassy,” Balthazar murmured, walking to him and pulling him up from the bed, starting to sway to a non-existent music – except, wait! The music was there, of course. “My Heart Will Go On” was now playing softly, and although he knew it was probably all in his head, Castiel didn't care. He rested his head on Balthazar's shoulder and kissed his neck, allowing him to sway them gently to the music.

“You hate this song.”

“Yes, but... it kind of became our song anyway. Didn't it?”

Castiel chuckled, tears filling his eyes.

“Yes, it did,” he agreed, and took a deep, shaky breath. “Balth, I... I have to let go. I have to let _you_ go.”

Balthazar was silent for a few moments, then just kissed Castiel's forehead.

“I know.”

Castiel bit on his bottom lip.

“Are you mad?”

“I could never be mad at you, Cas,” he assured him.

Castiel nodded.

“I just... wish there was a way to be together again. That's all.”

Balthazar smiled bitterly.

“I thought you had that Dean Winchester guy, now.”

“Dean is nice,” Castiel said quietly, shrugging. “But he's just a friend. And either way he's just... you know. Not you.”

Balthazar was silent for a few moments, then, he stopped swaying, the music immediately stopping with their movement.

“Maybe there is a way,” he said quietly.

Castiel looked up at him with wide eyes.

“...what? Balthazar...”

“You heard me,” Balthazar said softly. “Maybe there is a way. But...”

“No – Balth, I don't want to hear 'but'. There's no 'but',” Castiel said, gripping the fabric of his shirt. “Whatever I have to do, I will. You know I will – Balthazar... I'm going crazy without you. I've already gone crazy. You can't tell me there's a way and then... I _need_ you,” he said imploringly. “I need you, Balth. Please. Just... whatever you want me to do, I will.”

“There's a place,” Balthazar said quietly, taking Castiel's hands and gently starting to take him away from the bed. “It's a wonderful place, you know? The pain... your pain would be just a memory there. And God, you'd like it, Cas. There's sun, and light... and warmth. You'd love it. And we'd be so happy there. We'd be together. No one would ever be able to separate us ever again, there.”

“Together?” Castiel repeated, vaguely aware of the fact he was walking into the bathroom, his eyes fixed on Balthazar's, his whole being completely mesmerized by that voice... and those words... “Forever?”

“Forever,” Balthazar assured him, leaning in to peck his lips before he pulled away, smiling as he reached behind himself blindly, looking for something he knew was there. “It can hurt a little, to get there. But... it's worth it, in the end. You just have to be brave for a minute, and then you'll be with me, forever.” He lifted the razor up, holding it in front of Castiel, almost like an invitation. “Would you be willing to do this? For me, Cassy? To be with me?”

Castiel looked at the razor for a few moments – but there was no other possible answer, not really.

Wordlessly, he took the razor from Balthazar's hands, never taking his eyes away from his.

The razor cutting through his skin hurt less than he had anticipated. He could feel the blood trickling from his wrists and down his fingers, but he wasn't afraid. Balthazar was there with him. The last things he registered, as he fell down on the floor, were Dean's voice calling his name, and his spectacular green eyes appearing in front of his own where Balthazar's had been just a moment before.

Then only darkness.

 


	8. A Light In The Dark

**8\. A Light in The Dark**

_**Night falls,  
** _ _**I stare at the walls.  
** _ _**I wake and wander the halls  
** _ _**And I ache to the bone...  
** _ _**It's like nothing I've known...  
** _ __**I can't get through this alone.**

Finding Cas bleeding out in the bathroom, the razor still in his hand, along with a small necklace he was later told was Balthazar's, was possibly the worst thing that ever happened in Dean's life. And definitely something he would never be able to forget.

Fuck it.

He should've known something was up. Should've insisted for Cas to go back to Dr. Masters', or for Cas to follow him to the radio station. He could've introduced him to the guys and all.

The doctor had told him he shouldn't blame himself for what had happened, but Dean couldn't help it.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Thank God he had at least found him before it was too late. Dean had no idea what he'd have done if he hadn't gotten there in time. Gabriel would've been distraught. Sam would've lost his best friend. And Dean? God, Dean would've been crushed.

Cas was so... Dean had never met anyone like him before. And God, he was just completely fucking smitten with him – and he knew it was stupid, and cheesy, but just... he couldn't help it. He and Cas just... got each other. He certainly got Dean like no one had ever gotten him before. And if you had asked him a few hours ago, Dean would've told you he got Cas, too, but... now? He wasn't so sure of it anymore.

Fuck it.

He only fucking wished there was something, anything he could do to help him. But he could only stay there with Sam, trying not to fall apart while the doctors talked to Gabe, who was, after all, the closest living relative Cas had.

When Gabe finally got back to the room, his face really didn't seem the face of a man who brought good news. Fuck.

“Hey. How you two holding up?” he asked, patting Dean's back before he took Sam's hand.

“We're, huh... managing,” Dean said, giving him a small smile while Sam kissed Gabe's temple.

“Tell us about him. How is he?” Sam asked, looking down at Gabe, who sighed.

“He lost a lot of blood, but... he'll be okay. We were very lucky you found him when you did, Dean. I'll be forever in your debt.”

“Don't even mention it. It was just... luck, you know? I didn't plan to find him or anything,” Dean pointed out quietly, shrugging a little. “But I'm very glad I did. He's important to me, too.”

Gabe gave Dean a small smile, although it didn't last more than a second.

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered. He took a deep breath, then. “I... need to discuss something with you guys,” he added then. “I've... pretty much made up your mind already, and there's very little you can do to change my decision, but... I think it's only fair to tell you. Huh... it's... a pretty...” he sighed, running his hand over his face. “They've tried all sorts of meds with Cas. They just seem to be... not particularly effective on him. And now this... him trying to...”

Sam pulled Gabriel closer, stroking his back and kissing his hair.

“It's okay, Gabe. Go on. Breathe.”

“Basically, Cas is considered a suicidal drug-resistant patient,” Gabriel said. “There's... one standard course of treatment for this kind of patient. I was... a little... you know, when the doctor told me, but apparently it's very effective and...”

“What kind of treatment?”

Gabriel sighed.

“ECT.”

Dean raised an eyebrow.

“ECT?”

“Electroconvulsive therapy,” Gabriel said quietly, biting on his bottom lip.

“Wait,” Sam said, his eyes widening. “Electroshock? That's what it is, right?”

“You mean to tell me they wanna fry Cas' brain?” Dean asked, looking shocked. “Well, you're gonna say no, right?”

Gabriel closed his eyes.

“I already said yes.”

“What?” Dean said – and _fuck_ , now people were staring at him. He had to keep it low. He couldn't afford getting kicked out of the hospital. Not with Cas in the other room, and Gabriel who wanted to just allow these doctors to do _that_ to him. “Are you completely out of your mind? You can't do that. It's crazy. It's fucking barbaric.”

“Dean, I wouldn't have said yes if they hadn't convinced me it was completely safe, and beneficial for Cas...”

“Fuck this – dude, this is bullshit!”

“Dean...” Sam tried quietly.

“No Sammy – no! Fuck no, they're gonna fry Castiel's brain out, and you're just gonna stand and watch?”

“Dean, listen to me,” Gabriel said, glaring at Dean. “Do you think I'd put Cas in danger? Because I wouldn't – I would _never_. But we need to take a step back and understand what would really be the right thing for Cas. Am I crazy about this thing? No. But it's the standard procedure, so that means it's the thing the doctors recommend in these cases. The best therapy for Cas right now.”

“Just fucking imagine the worst,” Dean said sarcastically.

“Dean, you need to calm the hell down,” Gabriel said dryly. “The doctors know what's best for Cas. They won't use enough electricity for it to be harmful to Cas – I would never fucking allow it.”

“You're not the only one who fucking cares about Cas. I care! I fucking worry,” Dean protested.

“I'm his cousin,” Gabriel pointed out. “I've known him for way longer, and he's family. I would never hurt him. But going on this way? It's gonna hurt him way more than a little bit of electricity. That electricity is just gonna fucking help his brain to get better!”

“Awesome!” Dean all but yelled. “Electrocute him, then! Do whatever the fuck you want. Because you're his cousin and you know better. Because frying someone's brain is such a fucking good idea. Whatever. I'm getting out of here.”

“Dean, it could be our last hope...”

“Go fuck yourself,” Dean simply said, turning around and walking away. He could feel Gabriel's sigh, and how Sam immediately tried to comfort him.

He didn't want to fight with Gabe, but this was just fucking ridiculous. They couldn't expect him to be all for this – for Cas getting electrocuted. And yeah, maybe the electricity was much less than he feared it would be. But it was still fucking electricity frying up Cas' brain, and all they could do was stay there and pray it was gonna work. Dean was pretty sure Cas would have said no, if he had had the chance to choose for himself. But of course, why would they give an adult the chance to pick whether or not he wanted do get ECT? And okay, okay, fair enough, maybe the guy had tried to off himself, and wasn't the best person to decide for his own well being, but still. It seemed as if his cousin wasn't good at that, either. And Dean knew, Cas trusted Gabe blindly.

Dean sighed. He knew Gabe loved Cas, he knew that, and he knew he'd never do anything to hurt him. Not on purpose, that was for sure. Gabriel wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone the cousin he might tease and prank like hell, but whom he not-so-secretly doted on. But that didn't mean this ETC thing was a good idea – not by a long fucking shot. And Gabriel didn't want to fucking see it, so whatever. It was over, they were gonna just do it. Fuck everything.

He could only hope Cas' brain would be okay, despite everything. That he would go back to being the lovely guy he had met – even messed up, even in need of treatment, he would even fucking take the dead boyfriend hallucinations, if it meant Cas could be okay.

Dean ran his hand over his face and shook his head.

God, he fucking needed a drink.

 

***

 

In the meantime, in Castiel's hospital room, all hell was breaking lose, with him thrashing and tossing, and yelling that no, no, they had to leave him alone – had to leave him alone right now.

“Castiel, please, you need to calm down,” Dr. Masters said, raising a hand up, trying to get Castiel to at least settle enough that a nurse could sedate him.

But Castiel seemed absolutely impossible to hold back as he continued to thrash and scream.

“I heard you!” he yelled to the doctor. “I heard what you want to do to me – I'm not gonna let you do anything. You hear me? I don't care what you say or what Gabriel said. No! I'm not gonna do it – not gonna allow you to do that... that ECT thing to me.”

Dr. Masters sighed a little.

“Castiel, please, calm down. Let me explain.”

“WHY?” Castel yelled “So you can sedate me and electrocute me? No, I won't allow you to do it.”

“Okay – okay, Castiel. Okay. I promise no one will sedate you,” Dr. Masters said, gesturing for the nurses to step away from the bed and go stand behind her. “Calm down. Please. No one will sedate you. No one will electrocute you. Calm down, and we'll talk about it.”

With the nurses gone, Castiel nodded a little, slowly settling down, taking a few deep breaths.

“Okay. That's good – very good, Castiel,” Dr. Masters praised. “Now. You've been my patient for a long time, Castiel. I hope you have come to trust me, at least a little.”

“...I suppose you could say so,” Castiel said reluctantly.

“Good,” Dr. Masters said again. “Castiel. You know that I would never suggest something that would hurt you. I wouldn't. All I want is for you to start healing – but unfortunately, because you seem to be very resistant to drugs... we don't have many more other options, do you understand? ECT is a very standard procedure for patients like you. It's all okay. Everything will be done in complete safety, and you'll recover just fine. You'll probably experience a bit of nausea and dizziness, and you might suffer from a little bit of memory loss, but it's nothing bad, I assure you. Just another step for you towards recovery.”

“Memory loss...” Castiel repeated quietly, sounding hesitant and unsure.

“Just a little, but yes,” the doctor confirmed.

“Interesting,” Balthazar's voice said, and when Castiel looked up, there he was, with his arm around Castiel's shoulder, protectively. And God, Castiel he felt so much safer, just with him there. “She says you won't lose _much_ memory. But how will you know how much memory you lost if you lost it? It doesn't even make sense.”

Balthazar was right. Castiel looked up at the doctor, not trusting her in the least as he cuddled into Balth. “I don't want to do it,” he said, and felt Balthazar's smile as he kissed his hair.

“Castiel -”

“I don't want to do it and you can't force me.”

“Cas,” Gabe said quietly, taking a tentative step into the room.

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him, taking Balthazar's hand to draw courage from him. He would refuse to do this. He wouldn't allow them to do this to him.

“Cas, please, listen to me,” Gabriel said again. “It's been three years. God, more. It'll have been four years just in a few months. You grieved him. You've been through hell. Now... this.” he sighed, running his hand over his face. “We can't go on like this. Sam and I... we're so worried about you, Cas. So worried. This thing is harmless, you heard the doctor. She's the expert, kiddo. She says you'll be okay? You'll be. This is routine stuff for them, you know.” He let out another sigh, sitting down on the edge of the bed and taking Castiel's hand, and Balthazar only tightened his hold on the other hand.

“Kiddo, I don't know what to do anymore,” Gabe said softly. “I've tried. I've done... all I possibly can. Sam has, too – and Dean... he's helped you so much lately. Been there for you so much. But I need you... I need you to help us out. I need you to want to heal. I need you to... to be the Cas we all know and love. And I need you... to stop putting your life in danger. To stop believing Balth is still here. He's not. Cas... he's not coming back. No matter how hard you hold onto him.”

Castiel bit on his bottom lip, looking out at Balthazar.

“But I _am_ here,” he murmured

“Kiddo,” Gabriel said. “This might be our last chance. I don't know what else we can do – we've tried everything. So... I mean, might as well try this one too. What's the worst that could happen? That it won't work? But then we'd just be exactly where we are now. So... well, dammit, it's worth a try.” He gave Castiel a small smile, squeezing his hand. “Please, try. Please, take this chance. For yourself. For me and Sammy. For Dean.”

Castiel bit on his bottom lip and closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a shuddering breath when he finally opened them again.

He looked up at Balthazar and sighed, pulling his hand away from his hold and watching as he disappeared. He turned to Gabriel, then, nodding a little.

“Okay,” he whispered, squeezing his hand back before he turned to Dr. Masters. “I will do it.”


	9. Seconds And Years

**9\. Seconds And Years**

__**Sing a song of forgetting  
A song of the way things were not  
Sing of what's lost to you  
Of time that you never knew  
Sing of not remembering when  
Of memories that go unremembered and then  
Sing a song of forgetting again**

Castiel woke with a horrible headache, and a strong sense of nausea. There was a beeping sound somewhere on his left, and the light was much, much too bright.

He let out a small sound, his eyes opening slowly, looking around. The walls were white, and he didn't recognize the room. It seemed like... like a hospital room?

Next to his bed, two men he didn't recognize were talking among themselves in a hushed tone, and on the other side... Gabe? Was that Gabriel?

“Gabe?” he mumbled, trying to sit up, but immediately thinking better of it. No, definitely not gonna sit up anytime soon. Nope.

“Kiddo!” Gabriel breathed, leaning down towards him, giving him a smile. He looked worried. Maybe Castiel had been in a car crash or something like that? He couldn't remember. “We've all been so worried about you, Cas. How are you? Feeling okay?”

“Headache,” Castiel said quietly, honestly too tired to talk as he would normally. “Nausea. Can't remember why I'm here.”

“Yeah. Doctor said that might be the case – I'm sorry, kiddo. It sucks,” Gabriel said, stroking Castiel's hair affectionately. “Don't worry. It's okay. It's just the treatment, you know? You'll be A-ok in no time. You'll see.”

“Okay,” Castiel said, because well... if Gabe said he was going to be okay, then it must be true. He had mentioned treatment. Was Castiel sick? Nothing serious, he hoped. But Gabe had said he'd be okay...

Castiel glanced to the other side of the bed, and saw the two men, their attention focused on him. One was very, very tall, and Castiel's first thought was that he looked a little like a puppy, with that mop of hair on his head, and those dimples that formed now that he was smiling. The other one was handsome – incredibly so, and with the greenest eyes Castiel had ever seen in his life. The handsome man smiled, and Castiel felt himself flushing – and God, he was sure he had to be completely scarlet right now. Dammit. He didn't want to risk looking ridiculous in front of him.

“Who are you?” he asked, tilting his head to the side as he looked at them. They weren't doctors, clearly, because they weren't wearing white coats. “Friends of Gabe's?” he guessed. He supposed that was possible. Maybe Gabe had to go somewhere with them but he wanted to stop by, pay Castiel a quick visit first. It was possible.

Then something weird happened.

The tall man's face fell, and the handsome man frowned deeply.

“What do you mean, who are they?” Gabriel asked, looking down at Castiel. “You don't remember them?”

Castiel looked at them, then back at Gabriel.

“Should I?”

“Cas,” the tall man said, taking his hand, and Castiel's first instinct was to pull it away – although he didn't do it because the tall man seemed to be so sad. He felt sorry for him. But he didn't understand why a man he didn't know would take his hand.“Cas, it's me. It's Sam. This is my brother Dean. I've been your best friend for five years.”

“Oh,” Castiel said, frowning a little. “I'm sorry. I don't...”

“Cas, dude, we all live together,” the handsome man – Dean, the tall man named Sam had called him – said, sitting down on the edge of Castiel's bed. “You, me, Gabe, and Sam. Gabe and Sam have been going out together for three years now. I just moved in with you about three months ago, but we love to make fun of these two lovebirds here. Remember?”

“To... tell the truth...” Castiel said hesitantly, looking at Dean's face intently. God, he was really, really handsome. And he said he had been living with Castiel, and Gabriel and Sam, who were a couple, for a while. Gabriel and Sam were a couple – so maybe Cas and Dean were a couple, too? The idea made him blush and smile a little. Dean was very handsome. And he seemed so nice. Cas would be lucky to have him, surely. “Are you my boyfriend?”

Dean's eyes widened, and then he turned a little red – and God, he was so cute. His freckles popped out even more when he was all red.

“Well, um...”

And he seemed embarrassed. That was really, really adorable. Castiel looked up, and saw that Sam was smiling a knowing smile, while Gabriel chuckled behind him.

“Well, I'll tell you what, kiddo. Dean would definitely not mind being your boyfriend.”

“Shut up. Dick.”

“Just telling it how it is, Dean-o.”

Castiel blinked at Gabriel, then back at Dean. So according to Gabe, Dean would like to be his boyfriend. But that implied they were not, in fact, boyfriends.

That was weird.

Why would Cas not be interested? Maybe he had someone else?

“Do I already have another boyfriend?” he asked quietly. One would think a boyfriend wouldn't be something Cas, or anyone else, would forget, but... well, Sam claimed he had been his best friend for five years and Cas didn't remember ever seeing him back at school, so... he supposed it wasn't all that unlikely.

But it seemed to be the wrong thing to say. The room suddenly turned very quiet, and Dean, Gabriel and Sam looked at each other, looking hesitant and surprised.

“What?” Castiel asked, not understanding their sudden hesitance. He had no idea why his question would even be considered weird. It was a fairly simple question, and one that would surely come to mind to someone who seemed to be experiencing memory loss for God knew what reason – oh yeah, that was something he should probably ask, too. But the way they had reacted, you'd think he had asked if they felt like killing a kitten, or something.

“No,” Gabriel finally said, although he sounded very hesitant. Perhaps his boyfriend had cheated on him, or they had recently broken up? Maybe that was another thing Castiel should ask. But before he could actually ask anything, Gabe talked again, asking, “Cas, what's the last thing you remember?”

Castiel had to think about it for a few moments. He remembered waking up here, of course. And before that...

“The lake?” he said hesitantly, looking at Gabe. “After my mom and dad died, you brought me to the lake with Lucifer. You bought me my first beer and said I was gonna try it soon anyway. Since I'm gonna start college soon and all.”

Gabriel seemed completely heartbroken at that, and Castiel had no idea why. Was it bad? It was a good memory for him. It had been nice. The beer had been bitter, and Castiel wasn't sure he liked it much, but it was an experience. One he had wanted to try for a while. One that had taken his mind off the whole nasty business of his parents' death.

“Cas,” Gabriel murmured, stroking his cheek gently. “Cas, that was the summer before you went to college. That was almost eight years ago, now.”

“...oh,” Castiel breathed. Well, that would explain why Gabriel seemed to be distraught that that was the last thing Castiel could remember. Eight years were a whole lot of time.

“Eight years,” Dean said, and his kind voice was cold now. Castiel turned to look at him, and realized he seemed mad. Mad at Gabriel? “ _Eight years,_ Gabe. Did you fucking hear that?”

“Dean, calm down,” Sam said, putting his hand on Dean's shoulder.

“The hell I'm gonna calm down. You see what you've done? With your stupid fucking ECT idea?” Dean said, narrowing his eyes at Gabriel, who rolled his eyes.

“Dean, it's just temporary. There's no need to freak out. He'll be okay. The doctor mentioned there might be some memory loss.”

“To hell with the doctor. It's eight fucking whole years, Gabe!” Dean argued. “Not just a couple of weeks, or some shit.”

Castiel looked between Dean and Gabriel, blinking a little. They were fighting about his therapy. ECT, they had said? Castiel frowned.

“What exactly...”

“How are things going today?” a cheerful female voice asked, and Castiel turned to see a very attractive woman in her thirties, with brown eyes, wavy dark hair and a smile on her lips. She was wearing a white coat – perhaps she was the doctor they were talking about. “Oh, hello, Castiel. You're awake.”

“Yeah – hey, Doc Masters,” Gabriel said, giving her a smile. “Woke up about ten minutes ago. Everything okay, like you said.”

“Except for headache, nausea and... oh, yeah. Not remembering the last eight fucking years of his life,” Dean said, moving away so the doctor – Dr. Masters? - could check Castiel out.

“ _Dean_ -”

“It's understandable you're upset,” the doctor immediately said, turning to look at Dean. “But there's no need to worry. The headache and nausea are temporary. He'll feel all better in no time. As for the memories... well, they're there. Memory loss is a very common side effect in these cases, unfortunately. But it's a side effect that doesn't last forever,” she said, smiling reassuringly at the whole family. “When you take him back home, sit down with him. Show him a few pictures, videos, souvenirs, things like that. At times, patients need very little to remember. I know it's frustrating but it's important to remember that the memories are not gone – they're right there, just waiting to be triggered, and brought back. Okay?”

Gabriel, Sam and Dean all nodded, but while Sam and Gabe looked hopeful, Dean looked mostly mad. At what, Castiel could not really tell. But it was something that had to do with Castiel's treatment, and his memory loss, as far as he could tell.

Dean, Castiel reflected, seemed to care a whole lot about him, and the idea made him smile. Maybe Gabriel had been right, Dean did want to be his boyfriend. Castiel wouldn't mind that idea.

“Castiel,” Dr. Masters called him, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Would you like that? Looking at some things that might remind you of your last eight years?”

“Oh? Oh, sure,” Castiel said, nodding a little. “If you think it could help.” He hesitated a little, then, before adding, “My headache and nausea are already getting a little better. That's... that's good, right?”

“Of course. That's very good. You'll recover soon, and very nicely, you'll see,” Dr. Masters assured him, and Castiel nodded. He felt like he could trust this woman. She seemed nice and very competent. They had chosen a good doctor for him.

“Well. I have other patients I need to go check on,” the doctor said. “But if there's anything at all, let the nurse know and they'll immediately...”

“Dr. Masters, do you mind if we have a quick word before you go? Huh... alone?” Gabriel asked, and the doctor smiled, nodding.

“Of course. Follow me outside. Castiel, all the best. I'll come check on you again later today. If everything's fine, you'll probably be sent home tomorrow.”

Castiel nodded and smiled.

“Thank you, Dr. Masters,” he said quietly, looking at her and Gabriel walk away, then up at Dean as he sat down on the edge of the bed again. “...so, is it true you want to be my boyfriend, then?” he asked, unable to resist, and Sam laughed while Dean turned that adorable shade of red again.

He'd remember soon, Castiel knew it. He'd remember, and make sense of everything. And he'd make sure to spend as much time with Dean as possible, in the meantime.

 

***

“I'm worried about his memory loss, Doc,” Gabriel confessed when they got out, and out of the others' earshot. “I could understand a couple of weeks or months – hell, I could even understand a year. But this is eight years. Are you sure this is normal?”

Dr. Masters sighed.

“Unfortunately, yes. It's not a particularly nice side effect, I realize, but it's very common with ECT. More than you'd expect. And I assure you, we've had patients forgetting way more than eight years.”

“More than eight?” Gabriel asked, frowning deeply. “And do the patients normally... manage to remember? Or is it common for them to just... just forget? You know, without eventually remembering?”

“You don't have to worry, Mr. Milton,” Dr. Masters assured him. “Castiel's memories are there. He'll recover completely, I'm sure of that. You just have to give him time.”

Gabriel nodded, sighing a little.

“I suppose you're right,” he said, hesitating for a moment before he asked, “What about... Balthazar? Should we tell him about it or...?”

“I would advise not to break the topic straightaway, no,” Dr. Masters said, shaking her head. “It's obviously something he needs to talk about, and remember. But I would suggest you help him get back at least some of the rest, first. Then, very calmly, I would suggest sitting him down and explaining what happened. It's very important to make sure he's not distressed. But yes, eventually, you'll need to address the issue. It's very important that you do, for Castiel to heal completely.”

“I understand,” Gabriel said, nodding again. “Thank you so much, Dr. Masters.”

Dr. Masters smiled, giving Gabriel a nod before she started to walk away.

“Good luck, Mr. Milton.”


	10. Aftershocks

**10\. Aftershocks**

_**The memories will wane,  
The aftershocks remain.  
You wonder which is worse, the symptom or the cure.  
** _ _**The memories are gone.  
** _ _**The aftershocks live on.  
** _ _**But with nothing to remember,  
** _ __**Is there nothing left to grieve?**

Going home was a... rather weird experience, for Castiel. He didn't even remember ever seeing that place, and now... he lived there. It was definitely something.

Dean, Sam and Gabe had explained to him what had happened. About the bipolar disorder, about the ECT. Apparently, he was particularly resistant to drugs, so Dr. Masters had decided it would be a good idea to try with ECT. Castiel wasn't sure how he felt about that, but Gabriel swore up and down that he had agreed to do it – and after all he had signed the consent form, hadn't he? Dean had given Gabriel the stink-eye after that particular discussion, and Castiel had realized he probably hadn't been particularly happy with that decision.

Once again, Castiel was hit full force by the feeling that Dean really did care about him, and the mere thought gave him a million butterflies in his stomach, as stupid as that was. Shut up, Dean was very cute, and very nice, and Castiel thought he was allowed to have a crush on him if he wanted to, even though he was supposedly a grown man of twenty-six now.

Twenty-six. He didn't remember being twenty-six. He remembered being eighteen, with stupid crush on his English teacher. Were things supposed to be different? Was he supposed to act different? He had no idea, and it was frustrating him so much.

The let's-fix-Cas'-memory sessions were good, at least, although he had the feeling that Gabriel and Sam – especially Gabe – were kind of... sugar-coating a lot of stuff for him. Trying to skim over unpleasant details. Dean, on the other hand, was having none of it. Like that time Gabe and Sam were telling him about their trip to Santa Monica, a couple of years back. They were talking about it like this wonderful trip, lying on the beach all day with the sun and ocean, and all. Then Dean had piped in all, “Are you even listening to yourselves? You called me from that trip, you complained about how fucking rainy it was the whole fucking time – could barely get any sunlight at all.”

Gabriel and Sam didn't seem to be happy with Dean's attitude, and Dean didn't seem to be happy with their... well, their bullshit, really. Castiel understood what Sam and Gabe were trying to do, and he appreciated it, but... at the end up the day, he thought Dean was right. His no-bullshit attitude was really helping Castiel get back so many memories. And the funny thing was, he hadn't even been around for half of those, had only heard about them from Sam. But there was just something about Dean – he was... he _got_ Castiel. There seemed to be... a bond, between them – a bond Castiel couldn't really explain. But it was there, and it was helping Castiel more than anyone else.

That day, Dean had driven Castiel to therapy – it was the first day Gabriel allowed Castiel to leave the house without his supervision ever since the ECT. Castiel loved that Gabriel so clearly cared about him, but... his mother hen attitude could be a little overwhelming at times. Castiel enjoyed his freedom, too, he didn't exactly like being treated like a prisoner, although he knew it came from a place of caring.

So yeah, he was glad to be out alone with Dean. And he was even more glad when Dean suggested they got a coffee together before they went back home.

Castiel let Dean lead him to a small coffee shop, where they got their drinks, and slid into a booth in a corner.

“So,” Dean said, giving Castiel a smile. “How are you doing man? Hope therapy went good.”

“It did, thank you,” Castiel said, warmth spreading through his chest at Dean's smile. He felt... almost like a pull tugging him towards Dean. He didn't know why, but he knew it felt good, when he was with Dean. “I mean. Of course I still don't remember much, but... the headaches and nausea are getting so much better, and Dr. Masters says she's confident the memories will be back soon.”

“That's great, man. I'm happy for you,” Dean said, nodding a little as he took a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah,” Castiel said, then let out a small sigh. “...if only.... Gabe was more willing to help...”

Dean hesitated for a moment.

“Cas... he _is_ helping.”

“In his way, yeah. It's just not a way that's really working for me,” Castiel said, shrugging, then sighed again. “I'm sorry. I know I sound ungrateful, but...”

“Dude, I get it,” Dean assured him. “Gabe's great, and all he does, he does 'cause he cares, but... y'know, I get that he gets a bit... overwhelming.”

“And that he's sugar coating every single memory for me.”

Dean hesitated again before he nodded.

“That, too,” he admitted.

Castiel smiled, reaching forward to cover Dean's hand.

“Thank you for... all you're doing for me.”

“Dude, I'm not doing anything,” Dean said, turning his hand so he would be holding Castiel's.

“But you are,” Castiel said, squeezing Dean's hand. “I wouldn't remember that trip to Santa Monica if it wasn't for you.”

Dean's lips twitched a little, and a small smile spread on his face.

“Just drink your coffee before it gets cold, yeah?”

And Dean didn't let go of Castiel's hand when he took a sip of his drink.

 

***

A week later or so, Castiel was making a cake, humming softly under his breath. Dean would not be pleased with the cake – he was a pie kind of guy, as Castiel had learned.

Castiel smiled to himself.

Lately, he and Dean had started to spend a lot of time together, and Castiel couldn't be happier about that. Dean was really amazing. And they got along so well...

For him, Castiel had taken to baking a lot of pie, lately. Dean always rewarded him with the most beautiful smile, and Castiel felt all warm and fuzzy inside, and he'd never give up on those smiles for anything, but today... something in the back of his mind told him he should make cake. That there was something... more important than Dean's sweet smile and green eyes. Something he couldn't quite pinpoint. It was weird – it was this strange feeling he sometimes got. There were many things he still needed to remember, he knew that, whatever his ever-optimistic cousin had to say about that, but... there was something in particular. He could feel that. Something that was tugging at him, and God help him, he couldn't remember what. No matter how hard he tried, he always seemed to fail to get to it. And the cake was part of it – he had a weird feeling that the cake had something to do with it. Maybe if he just made it, things would get clearer.

“Hey Cas,” he soft voice called from the doorway, and Castiel immediately smiled to himself.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Making more pie?”

“Nah,” Castiel said, looking up at him and shaking his head. “Sorry. Cake today.”

“Aw, man,” Dean said, letting out a dramatic sigh. “You disappoint me. Don't you know that pie always wins over cake? Like, every single time?”

Castiel chuckled a little at that.

“First of all, you're ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous,” Dean repeated, a playful twinkle in his eyes. “It's part of my charm, Cas. It's the whole reason why you like me so much.”

Castiel looked up at him, raising his eyebrow

“Interesting. So you think I like you,” he said.

“I know you do.”

“A little cocky, aren't we?” Castiel asked with a small snort, although he was still smiling.

“It's a little something called confidence, Cas. Cute guys and girls dig it.”

Castiel frowned just slightly at that.

“Hang on. Haven't we had this talk before?”

Dean smiled a little.

“Something like it,” he admitted, putting a hand on the small Castiel's back, stroking it the way he knew Castiel loved. “So. Why a cake, then?”

“I don't know,” Castiel said, shrugging. “I just... I guess I just felt like I had to make a cake. I know it sounds ridiculous, but...” he sighed. “It's something at the back of my mind. I can't remember it, but it's important. I know it is. And it's telling me... well, that I should make champagne cake. With strawberry filling and white chocolate icing. Ridiculous, huh? I mean – isn't it, like, the most pretentious cake you've ever heard of?”

Castiel looked up at Dean, chuckling, but as soon as his eyes fell on him, he realized that Dean didn't seem to find it as funny as Cas had anticipated. He looked... conflicted, and for some reason, very sad.

“...Dean?” he said quietly. “Are you okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” Dean murmured, giving Castiel a weak smile. “I'm good. Don't worry.”

Castiel sighed, leaning against him.

“There's a lot I still have to remember, isn't there?”

“Yeah,” Dean admitted, nodding a little.

Castiel nodded back.

“Gabe doesn't think I'm ready to know everything, does he?”

Dean smiled bitterly and sighed.

“Gabe only wants what's best for you, Cas. He's just worried.”

“I know,” Castiel assured him, sighing a little and wiping the dough off his hands before he turned towards Dean, resting his hands on his chest. “I need to thank you, Dean.”

“I didn't do anything,” Dean simply said, wrapping his arms around Castiel, holding him close.

“That's not true,” Castiel whispered, raising a hand up to rest on the side of Dean's face, his thumb rubbing his cheekbone lovingly. “You've been so patient with me. You've helped me get back... so much. And you're not even asking for anything in return. You're not even taking credit for all you've done.” He smiled somewhat shyly, moving a little closer. “You're very special to me, Dean.”

“Cas...” Dean whispered, tightening his hold on Castiel and swallowing a little. “Cas, I... I don't think we should...”

“Shhh...” Castiel said, smiling as he pressed a finger to Dean's lips, his eyes soft as he met Dean's gaze. “Just kiss me.”

And Dean just did it.

And it was everything Castiel thought he'd ever want. His lips were soft, and smooth, and so skilled as they moved on Castiel's own. Dean was an exceptionally good kisser, better than anyone Cas had ever kissed – or well, that he remembered kissing, anyway. He tasted like beer, and the last slice of peacan pie he had eaten at lunch, and Castiel felt like he could kiss those wonderful lips forever. The smell of musk, and leather, and something that was so unmistakably _Dean_ \- something that was sunshine, and open skies. And home. Something so comforting and so... peaceful. Castiel felt safe in Dean's arms. He felt at home.

Honestly, Castiel had no idea why he hadn't just kissed Dean sooner. He hummed softly, the champagne cake completely forgotten as Dean started to push him towards the stairs.

Castiel chuckled into the kiss, opening his eyes to look into Dean's own. He pulled away from the embrace, and took Dean's hand instead, unable to tear his eyes away from him as they walked upstairs.

Neither of them said a word until they were in Castiel's bedroom, Castiel lying on the bed with Dean hovering over him.

“Going too fast?”

Castiel smiled and shook his head, leaning up to peck Dean's lips.

“Not at all.”

“Are you sure?” Dean insisted, looking worried, and almost conflicted. “I don't wanna do anything you're gonna regret.”

“Don't be stupid, Dean. I'm not going to regret this – why would I?” Castiel said, stroking Dean's cheek lovingly.

He could never regret doing this with Dean. Dean was beautiful, Dean was sweet. Dean was everything he had ever wanted. He was never going to regret doing this.

He leaned up again, wanting to kiss Dean again – but suddenly, his eyes widened and he gasped, sitting up when he saw the shadow of a man standing in front of the door. Who was this man – what was he doing here and why...

why...

...why was he not here anymore?

Castiel blinked once, twice, but the shadow didn't appear again.

“...Cas?”Dean said softly, and Castiel tore his gaze away from the door, only to meet a pair of terribly confused, terribly concerned green eyes. “Cas, are you okay? What's wrong?”

Castiel shook his head, giving Dean a small smile.

“Nothing. Don't worry about it.”

“Are you _sure_?”

Castiel glanced at the door once more, just for a moment, then back at Dean, giving him a soft smile.

“Yeah. Very.”

Dean bit on his bottom lip.

“Cas, if you don't feel ready to do this...”

But Dean didn't allow him to go further than that – God, no, he wasn't going to allow him to over-think this. Not now, when he finally had him right where he wanted him – when everything was finally starting to go as it should.

Not when Dean was finally his – and it didn't matter that he didn't know if they would last a month, a year, or a lifetime. Or maybe just this one night. Dean was _his_ now, and this was what he wanted. Stupid shadows his stupid brain was making up to ruin the mood could go screw themselves.

From the way he returned the kiss, Castiel guessed Dean agreed.

 


	11. How Could I Ever Forget?

**11\. How Could I Ever Forget?**

__**This was the moment my life was set  
That day that I lost you  
It's clear as the day we met  
How could I ever forget?**

Castiel had been floating in mid air for the whole week, after what had happened with Dean. They hadn't said anything to Sam and Gabe yet, because... well, it was very new. They had no idea if it would last – if there was any chance things were going to work between them. So, really, better to just take it slow and not tell anyone before it was inevitable to do so. And at least they'd get to enjoy what they had without anyone interfering for a while.

Castiel was very happy. Dean was amazing, and very sweet, and just... everything he had ever wanted.

That morning, Dean had said he wanted to take him somewhere, have breakfast with him before his appointment with Meg, and Castiel had just shrugged and went along with it, figuring it would be nice to spend some time alone with Dean. Gabriel, who always seemed to be pleased when he spent time with Dean, had no objection to that, either. Thanks God for that, because Castiel really didn't want to have to ask his cousin's permission for going out with his... boyfriend, he supposed Dean would be? They hadn't put a label on what they were yet, but... well. Castiel supposed boyfriends would be it.

They got ready and got into Dean's Impala. Castiel had just figured they would go somewhere close to Dr. Master's, but... they ended up on the other side of town, instead, and Castiel groaned when he saw where Dean had taken him.

“A pie shop, Dean? Really?” he said, frowning. “Dean, you're obsessed. You have a problem.”

“Come ooon! Keep an open mind!” Dean said, laughing as he parked in front of the pie shop. “Besides, you loved this place the last time we came here.”

Castiel was taken aback at that, and he observed the shop intently for a few, long moments.

“Have we... been here before?” he asked hesitantly. “I don't remember.”

Dean sighed.

“Yeah. I figured you wouldn't. We came here a while ago. Before your... you know, your ECT. We had lots of fun, and I figured... why not try to do that again?”

Castiel tore his eyes away from the shop and turned to smile at Dean.

“That was very thoughtful of you,” he said in a soft, sincere tone that made Dean blush a little. It was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled, smiling to himself and leaning over to peck Castiel's lips. “Whatever gets that pretty smile on your face.”

“Will you tell me about the last time we were here?”

“Sure thing!” Dean said, a big grin on his face. “Now come on. Let's get outta here and go inside.”

Castiel smiled and got out of the car, waiting for Dean to take his hand as they walked towards the shop.

Soon, they were sitting at a table, two big slices of pie, one cherry and one apple, in front of them. Castiel tried a small bit, and he had to admit it was one of the best pie he had ever eaten in his entire life.

“I can tell why we liked this place so much the other time,” he said, and smiled at Dean as he took another bite. “This pie is amazing.”

“Eh. Yours is better,” Dean said with a cheeky grin, winking at Castiel, who rolled his eyes.

“You only say that to get into my pants.”

“I'm already getting into your pants.”

Castiel waved a hand.

“Details. You want to get into my pants more.”

“More than I'm already doing that? Man, that much sex would be too much even for me.”

“Oh my _God_ , you're ridiculous.”

“Cas, we've been over this. Me being ridiculous is the whole reason why you like me.”

Castiel laughed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head fondly.

“Yes, it's one of the reasons why I like you,” he admitted then, a soft smile on his lips. “So. What did we do the other time we were here, then?”

Dean smiled and shrugged.

“Well... I mean, we mostly just talked. Well, that, and we ordered a slice of every pie in the shop.”

“Which would explain why you liked it.”

Dean laughed, and Castiel smiled.

“You may have a point,” Dean conceded.

“I'm always right, Winchester, you would do well to remember it,” Castiel said with a wink. “So, what did we talk about that left such an impression on me.”

“You know... nothing. Everything. I don't know,” Dean said, shrugging and smiling at the memory. “We just didn't seem to be able to stop talking. I told you Wuthering Heights didn't appeal to me as a book, and you practically threw me your coffee mug.”

“And I was right – how _dare_ you not be a fan of Emily Brontë's work? Unbelievable,” Castiel said, shaking his head, absolutely shocked. “I did refuse to talk to you ever again after that, right?”

Dean laughed.

“You made me swear to try to read it. I've bought the book, but haven't gotten around to read it, yet.”

Castiel snorted.

“It's a start, I suppose.”

Dean smiled.

“If it helps, you also forced me to watch Rent even if I think musicals are stupid, and I loved it. Even asked you to show me more musicals, as a matter of fact.”

“You better have,” Castiel said, raising his eyebrow at Dean. “No boyfriend of mine will go around hating musical theater, especially not Rent.”

Dean almost choked on his coffee at that, and he stared at Castiel with wide eyes for a few, long seconds.

Castiel frowned.

“What?”

“I, huh...” Dean said, clearing his throat. “I'm your... boyfriend...?”

Castiel blinked, then turned a bright red.

“Oh,” he mumbled. “I mean, I assumed after what happened...” he trailed off, turning an even deeper shade of red and shaking his head. “I just – forget it. I didn't mean to...”

But before he could finish his sentence, Dean's soft lips were on his own, and he let out a small, surprised sound, really not having expected that. He smiled when Dean pulled back, his cheeks still red.

“Should I take that as a yes?” he asked, somewhat shyly.

“Yeah. I would love to be your boyfriend Cas,” Dean assured him, reaching over to take his hand.

“Great,” Castiel whispered, his eyes shining as he twined his fingers with Dean's. “...I'll forgive the fact you didn't want to give Emily Brontë a chance because of this.”

“Oh my God, seriously?” Dean asked, exasperated. “Just let it go, man. I don't make such a fuss over the fact you thought Dr. Sexy, MD was silly.”

Castiel frowned a little at that, tilting his head to the side.

“What's Dr. Sexy, MD?”

Dean just stared at him for a few, long moments.

“...We need access to a television, DVD player and Dr. Sexy, MD box set immediately.”

 

***

It was a little late, when Dean and Castiel left the coffee shop, but thankfully the traffic wasn't that bad, and they managed to get to Dr. Master's just in time. Castiel pecked Dean's lips and rushed out of the car, telling Dean he would see him later.

Dr. Masters immediately noticed Castiel was in a particularly good mood, and they ended up spending most of the session talking about Dean, and what would be the best way for Castiel to go about building a relationship with him while still dealing with the aftermath of the ECT and, of course, his disorder, and all that came with it.It wasn't until the end of their session that Dr. Masters mentioned the memory loss, and Castiel sighed.

“It's going... well, I suppose,” he said, shrugging. “You know, the puzzle is... kind of coming together. But... I don't know. Gabe is trying to help, but he's... he's holding back. So's Sam. I think Dean doesn't agree with them, but... I also think... I think he doesn't know what to do. He's worried Gabe is right, I think. But...”

“But?” Dr. Masters asked, leaning forward in her seat.

 

***“But it feels like I'm going crazy, sometimes,” Castiel admitted, running his hand over his face. “I have this... this nagging sensation at the back of my mind. Something's missing, and I know it – I know it, but I have no idea what it is. I feel like...” he groaned. “It's so frustrating. There's just... there's something. I know something's missing. I just... wish I knew what.”

“Have you tried telling this to your cousin?” Dr. Masters asked, and Castiel scoffed.

“My cousin doesn't seem to have much to say about that,” he said dryly.

“I see,” Dr. Masters said, nodding a little. “From what you've told me, he's trying to shelter you from the whole truth. So I imagine he probably hasn't given you the chance to talk in depth about your disorder and your delusions, but I think this is exactly what you should focus on – especially because remembering the death of your boyfriend must have been -”

“The what?” Castiel asked, sitting up and looking at the doctor with wide eyes.

Dr. Masters froze, immediately realizing she had said too much.

“Y-your cousin didn't...?” she asked hesitantly, obviously taken aback, and he shook his head.

“I don't understand, I... I had a boyfriend... who died?” Castiel asked again, looking confused, frowning a little and blinking.

“I... think you and your cousin should talk more,” Dr. Masters said, standing from her chair. “Our session for today is over.”

“Dr. Masters, please,” Castiel said, standing, too, his eyes pleading. “Gabriel won't talk to me. He won't tell me the truth about anything. Please. Did I have a boyfriend? When did he die? How? What was his...?”

“I said our session's over, Castiel. I'm sorry,” the doctor said quietly. “You should talk to your cousin.”

Castiel sighed, shaking his head and walking out. There was no way Gabriel was ever going to be sincere about that.

A boyfriend.

He had a boyfriend who died.

A boyfriend whose name he didn't even know who died in some unspecified moment in the past.

Was that what had triggered his bipolar disorder? Had it been a long time ago? Or was it a recent thing? Was that the reason why Gabe, Sam and Dean had been so embarrassed at the “boyfriend” questions back at the hospital? Yes, that had to be it.

Surely, that must be the thing that was tugging at him. And surely, Gabriel had forced Sam and Dean to promise to never tell him. Or maybe Sam was with Gabe on this – he, too, had tried to avoid ugly truths.

But Castiel had to know. He had to know, no matter how much it could hurt – it wasn't something he could ignore. It wasn't something that was just... going to go away. It was never going away. He had to know about his past – had to know about this boyfriend he remembered nothing about. Surely, he must've been important to him. Gabe couldn't think he could just... just erase him from Castiel's mind. He couldn't.

Castiel didn't kiss Dean as he got into the car, and ignored him when he asked him if everything was okay. It wasn't until they got home, and Dean had parked into the garage, that Castiel gathered up the courage to ask: “Did I have a boyfriend?”

Dean visibly tensed up at that.

“I'm sure you've had many boyfriends in your life, Cas. You're really cute,” he eventually said with a cheeky grin, obviously trying to steer the subject away from what he knew Castiel was really asking him.

But Castiel was having none of it.

“Unless all of them died, I believe you know perfectly well which one I'm talking about,” he simply said, looking at Dean straight in the eyes. “Dean. Please.”

Dean looked conflicted for a few, long moments, and he eventually sighed, running his hand over his face. He looked at Castiel, then back at his hands and nodded to himself, biting on his bottom lip.

“I think you should see something,” he eventually said.

Castiel allowed himself to be led inside the house and to the living room, where Dean made him sit down.

“I need you to understand... Gabe and Sam... they were just trying not to make you suffer all over again,” Dean murmured.

“I know,” Castiel murmured back, looking at Dean almost desperately. “But I need to know.”

Dean hesitated one more moment, then nodded, taking out something from his pocket – something Castiel recognized as a necklace with a round charm he had found in a box full of stuff Gabe and Sam were showing him, hoping it'd help with his memory. Gabriel had taken it away from him before he could really look at it, laughing and insisting it was just a silly, embarrassing charm his ex-girlfriend – Kali or something like that? – had gotten from him, and that he had no idea why it was even there. Gabriel had also added he thought it had been thrown away ages ago. He had even handed it over to Dean and requested he got rid of it.

Dean had taken it, but apparently... he had not gotten rid of it.

“I think you should take a look at it,” Dean said softly, handing the necklace to Castiel.

Castiel took it in his hands, swallowing a little.

It was a simple charm, round... possibly steel? A leather cord. Nothing fancy. And yet... yet, there was something about this necklace. Something terribly important.

He turned it around, and noticed a few simple words written on that side of the charm.

“My heart will go on,” he breathed, his eyes widening. And as he looked up, he saw the silhouette of a man slowly appearing in the corner of the room. “Oh my God...” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

“Cas?” Dean called hesitantly, but Castiel wasn't listening to him.

He stood, his eyes fixed on the man in the corner, who was smiling at him softly.

“Cassy,” the man murmured tenderly.

“Cas,” another voice called, and Castiel snapped out of it, his eyes moving to the doorway, where Gabriel and Sam stood. “Cas, what are you doing? What's wrong?”

Castiel glanced at the man, but he didn't say a thing, just nodded towards Gabriel and Sam, gesturing for him to talk to them.

That man was so familiar... who was he? He... was he the boyfriend who had died? He had to be. God, he was so familiar, but Castiel still couldn't... God. What was even his name?

He shook out of it, turning to Gabriel and Sam again.

“Why didn't you tell me?” he asked softly, and Gabriel and Sam looked at each other.

“Tell you what, Cas?”

“Him,” Castiel said, his eyes unconsciously flicking to the man for another moment. “Why didn't you tell me about him?”

“Cas what-”

“He was my boyfriend. And he died. And you didn't tell me about him.”

“Cas, we-”

“Just...” Castiel cut him off, raising his hand. “Just let me.” He let out a small sigh, his eyes moving between the unnamed man, and Dean, and Gabe and Sam. He recognized the man now – and yes, it was definitely him, the boyfriend no one wanted to tell him about. He felt... something tugging at him, every time he looked at him. He just felt...

He shook his head. Not now. Not now. He had to stay calm. He didn't need to lose it right now.

“I remember...” Castiel murmured, looking up at Gabriel and Sam. “I remember we were still at the old apartment, Sam, and I. And him. I remember I was out that night, and... and I remember it was raining so hard. I remembered I waited for him for so, so long. And... and... I remember...”

Castiel felt his eyes stinging, tears threatening to come out.

“Cas, please...” Gabriel said, taking a few steps towards him. “You were doing so good...”

“No,” Castiel said, shaking his head, lifting his arm, almost as if to shield himself against Gabriel. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“We didn't want you to start hurting all over again, Cas,” Sam said softly, wrapping an arm around Gabriel's waist. “It's been so hard the past few years...”

“And the solution is to just... just never mention him again?” Castiel asked.

Sam looked away.

“We don't need that baggage in our life again, Cas,” Gabriel said.

“Baggage?” Castiel repeated, looking outraged. “It's my boyfriend you're talking about Gabe! God – I thought I was going to be with him forever! I thought he was the love of my life – thought I was going to marry him! It's not _baggage_ , it's one of the most important parts of my life, and if you can't accept it-”

“How do you expect me to accept that?” Gabriel snapped. “Three years, Cas. Three years spent hoping you'd get better – three fucking years spent thinking you never fucking would. Three years seeing you hurting. And you're finally not seeing him again, and you expect me to just tell you all about him, risking-”

“YES!” Castiel yelled. “Yes, Gabe, I expect my own cousin – pretty much the only family I still have – to tell me about the man who was the love of my life! Yes, I do expect that.”

“No,” Gabriel said, shaking his head. “No – you can't... no. This is crazy.” He hesitated a few moments. “We'll go back to Dr. Masters – this is what we'll do...”

“No.”

“We caught this thing just in time, we just have to insist....”

“Gabe, no.”

“We'll take more pills, do more ECT...”

“NO!” Castiel yelled. “No. You can't make me do that. You can't make me do anything – I'm not forgetting anymore. I've let you pick doctor after doctor after doctor, but I'm not gonna let you do that anymore. You hear me? I'm done.”

“Cas...”

“Leave me alone.”

“Cas, please, we're just trying to help you,” Sam said quietly.

“I know. But maybe you should listen to me for a change,” Castiel said. “I don't need more ECT. I don't need pills, I just... need to make sense of this. God, I don't even remember his name. Sam... what was his name?”

“Cas...” Sam murmured, at a loss for what to do. “What happened to him...”

“Just tell me his name!” Castiel screamed.

Sam opened his mouth, but immediately closed it again, and looked down, shaking his head.

Castiel looked at him and Gabriel for a few moments, then just shook his head and started to walk away.

“Cas...”

“Cas, wait...”

“Leave me _alone,_ ” he snapped, not even turning as he ran away, walking out of the back door and slamming it behind himself.

“Cas,” Dean's voice called him after a few moments.

“Please, Dean, not now,” Castiel said, sitting down on the ground, his face in his hands.

Castiel felt Dean sighing and walking towards him, sitting next to him.

“You dropped this,” he murmured, handing him something.

Castiel looked up, a tear rolling down his cheek when he saw the necklace that had once belonged to his boyfriend.

“Thank you,” he murmured, gently taking it in his hands. “I know that Sam and Gabe are trying to help, but...”

“I get it,” Dean said quietly, nodding.

“I've just been... through a lot,” Castiel said, sighing. “So many doctors, and so many pills... and now this. And just...” he let out a shuddering breath. “What if I can't be cured? What if... they spent so much time looking for something wrong in my brain, but... but... there's nothing wrong there?” He looked up at Dean, looking lost, looking desperate. “What if there's something that can't be fixed? Deep down, in my soul? What if I – I'm just... broken? I just...” He couldn't go on anymore, and he just started sobbing on Dean's shoulder.

Dean let out a small sigh, wrapping an arm around Castiel and kissing his hair, just letting him let it all out. Dean simply held him all through it, not judging, not even saying a word. Just letting Castiel know he was there for him.

“Balthazar,” Dean finally said, his hand caressing Castiel's back while he pressed another kiss to his hair.

“What?” Castiel asked, raising his head and looking at him in the eyes.

“His name was Balthazar,” Dean said, giving Castiel a small smile. “You used to call him Balth.”

“Balthazar,” Castiel whispered. “Balth. Yes, I... I remember.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I went out with a few friends from college that night. It was raining, and the friend who was supposed to drive me home had gotten drunk. So I called him, asked him to come get me.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “He never got there. For so long I blamed myself but... how could I have know...”

“You couldn't,” Dean said, gently but firmly. “You couldn't, Cas. It wasn't your fault. It just... it happened. It sucks, but it's life.”

Castiel nodded, giving Dean a weak smile.

“Thank you,” he murmured. He hesitated a little, then, glancing back at the house. “I don't know how I can heal,” he confessed. “I don't know how I can even start.”

“Maybe you don't need to know,” Dean said, shrugging. “Maybe you should just... make it up as you go.”

“Maybe,” Castiel said. He was silent for a few moments as he simply stared at the silver charm in his hands. “I don't think I'm ready to let go,” he admitted quietly.

Dean gave him a small smile, taking the necklace, and carefully putting it around Castiel's neck.

“No one says you should, just yet.”

“Well, actually,” Castiel said, sighing deeply. “My first psychiatrist told me that, according to the manual, grief that continues past four months is pathological and should be medicated.” He snorted, looking down and shaking his head. “Four months. For the life of the man I loved. I mean – who makes these decisions?”

“It's just a stupid manual, Cas. I mean, whatever, maybe it was written by people a thousand times smarter than I am, and maybe I should tell you to just go with what the doctor said, and whatever, but... if you're not ready, then you're not ready,” Dean said, shrugging. “Maybe you need more time. You're just human, Cas. And again, maybe I shouldn't say this, but that's just a _manual_. Nothing more.”

“Nothing more,” Castiel whispered, just sitting there for a minute without saying a word before he sighed, and stood. “I don't think I can stay here, Dean.”

Dean nodded as he, too, stood.

“There's a hotel not far from here. We can stay there for the night.”

“Yes. For the night,” he murmured, lost in thought. “Would you go get some sweats and a change of clothes? I... need to have a word with Sam and Gabe.”

“Yeah. Of course,” Dean said, giving Castiel a smile before he walked away.

Castiel watched him go, and for a moment, he just stood there. It wouldn't be easy, what he was about to do. He would hurt Sam, would hurt Gabe. Would hurt people who had only tried to help him all along. But... there was no other way. And Castiel knew it. He knew he had to do this for himself.

It was with a heavy heart that he walked back inside, and both Sam and Gabriel were all over him, fussing over him, again, _always._

“Cas – look, we're so sorry...”

“We only want you to be okay – are you okay? Can we...”

“Please, stop,” Castiel said, gently, but firmly, his eyes flicking to Balthazar for a moment. He was standing right next to the door, now, and looked unhappy. Of course he knew what was coming next. He was just a figment of Castiel's imagination after all – of course he would know.

Castiel sighed.

“I'm leaving,” he said quietly, turning back to Sam and Gabe yet again.

“What?”

“Cas, you can't-”

“Dean is taking me to a hotel for the night,” Castiel cut them off. He needed to say this – needed to do this – or he knew he never would. “He's packing a few clothes right now. After that... I don't know what I'll do.” He sighed again, running his hand over his face. “You guys... you're so important to me. You've given me so much. Been there for me in ways that I can't even...” he took a shaky breath, shaking his head. “But I don't need this, now. I need... I need space. I need time. I need... to take care of myself, for once. To face all of this on my own.”

“Cas, please,” Gabriel said, moving forward and taking Castiel's hands. “Don't do this. We're helping, because you need help. If you stay here we can...”

“If I stay here, I'll die,” Castiel murmured. “I can't do this anymore, Gabe. You're... so amazing – you, too, Sam. All you two have done for me... I'll never forget. And it's not like this is goodbye – we'll see each other all the time, really, but... you. You guys, and Doctor Masters... I don't need this, right now. I just don't.”

“Cas, you're hurting – I know you are,” Sam said, almost desperately. “Therapy is not magic, we all know that, but it _is_ helping, and it's all we've got, and...”

“And... it's not working anymore. Sam, I just... don't need this,” Castiel said quietly. “Not anymore. I'm sorry.”

“Cas, you...”

“Cas,” Dean's voice called quietly from the doorway, carrying a duffle bag. “I... I'm ready whenever you are.”

“Thanks Dean,” Castiel said softly, giving Dean a small smile before he turned towards Sam and Gabe again.

“I love you guys so much,” he murmured. “And I know you love me, too. I know you're doing all you're doing for me, but... this... this is what I need right now.”

Castiel sighed, pulling them both in a hug and closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, they were filled with tears, fixed on Balthazar, who was standing right next to Dean.

“I love you so much,” he breathed, one single tear rolling down his cheek. “But you understand, don't you? I need to go.”

Balthazar smiled sadly, giving Castiel a nod, and he nodded back, swallowing hard as he pulled away. He gave Gabe and Sam a small smile before he walked towards Dean, wishing with all his heart he could wrap his arms around Balthazar and never let go. But he couldn't. So he just leaned into Dean, and whispered a goodbye as they walked out the door.

And it hurt so much knowing this was it, it was over. He'd never see Balthazar's warm smile, or his blue eyes stare back at him again.

And it hurt so much knowing it was the right thing.

 


	12. Epilogue: Light

**Epilogue: Light**

__**Some hurts never heal.  
** **Some ghost are never gone,  
** **But we go on,  
** **We still go on.  
** **And you find some way to survive  
** **And you find out you don't have to be happy at all,  
** **To be happy you're alive.  
** __**Day after day  
** __**We'll find the will to find our way,  
** __**Knowing that the darkest skies  
** __**Will someday see the sun.  
** _**When our long night is done  
** _ __**There will be light.**

It was a warm, bright spring day when Castiel sat down on the soft grass, a small smile on his lips, and a mini cake with one single candle on top in his hands.

“Forgive me if I haven't come sooner,” he murmured, his eyes finding bright blue ones. “It's been a long few months. But good. Really good. Not always of course, but... mostly. Mostly good. Which is, you know, good enough for me. All considering.” His gaze softened as he reached forward to trail his fingers over the marble headstone. “I miss you, still. I always will. I've made my peace with that. But... it gets better. It gets easier. And... I don't know. Maybe I'm just stronger than I gave myself credit for.” He let out a small sigh, looking down at the mini cake in his hands.

“This is for you. Champagne cake with strawberries and white chocolate icing. Pretentious, huh? But then again – you were always sooo pretentious. Don't even try to deny it,” he added, chuckling a little. “Anyway. Happy birthday, Balth. I hope you like my little surprise.” He smiled, blew out the candle and put the cake down in front of the headstone. “Oh – and I have a little something for you, too... hang on.”

He took off the necklace he always wore, smiling to himself as he looked at the two charms: a small, round one with the title of a silly Celine Dion song written on it, and a silver wing – a recent addition he was particularly happy with. Dean insisted he didn't mind if Castiel continued to wear Balthazar's charm along with the one he had given him for the rest of their lives, but... Castiel knew this was the right thing to do. So he sighed, and took out the round charm from the necklace.

“This is yours,” he murmured, holding up the charm in front of the grave. “I got it for you. You should have it.” He dug up a small hole in the ground, just next to the mini cake and carefully placed the charm inside it. “Take good care of it, and keep it safe for me, will you?” he added, covering up the charm. He smiled up at the grave, then, and the picture of Balthazar smiled back at him, forever young and forever beautiful.

“I have to go now. Dean and I are having lunch with Sam and Gabe today, and we can't be late, but... I'll see you very soon, okay?” he whispered, leaning in to press a soft kiss to the headstone before he grabbed the necklace that only had one charm left now. “Goodbye, my dear friend.” He stood and put the necklace back around his neck, where it belonged, then turned and made his way back towards Dean, who was waiting for him by the car.

As soon as he was by his side, Dean wrapped his arms around him, pecking his lips lovingly.

“You okay?”

Castiel smiled and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.”

“Good,” Dean whispered, kissing him again and letting out a small sigh. “Come on. We gotta go, or we're gonna be late again. And I can't have Sam all on my case again.”

Castiel gave him a look as he got into the car.

“Well, you know – if we actually got there on time for a change...”

Dean gasped.

“Well, excuse you – whose fault is it if we're always late?”

“Yours.”

“You little – that's it, you're gonna take it back right now or else I...”

Castiel smiled to himself while he and Dean continued bickering. And yeah, maybe it wasn't always easy, and it wasn't always perfect. Maybe Cas' life just wasn't meant to be always easy, or always perfect – or maybe that was just one of those life things. That it hurt, sometimes. That there were days where Castiel could barely function, and couldn't bring himself to leave the bed.

But at the end of the day, he was... okay. He had gone back to therapy, with a therapist he had chosen himself, and who actually seemed to be helping - or maybe, this time, it was Castiel who was ready to let himself be helped.

He was writing again, dreaming again, _living_ again. He had a wonderful family, and good friends. He had Dean.

And when Dean kissed him, he felt alive.

And when he fell asleep in his arms at night, he felt at peace.

And that was more than good enough for him.


End file.
